Boxing Day Night

Well christmas is over for another year, and yet again I've eaten and drunk far to much. I got this year an acoustic simulator pedal for my guitar, an iPod nano ( yeah!! ) and socks!!...yep..good old socks!!

I cooked dinner yesrterday and today for the family. I did well this year,everything went really well and was cooked beutifully.

I'm back to work tomorrow so i'm going to have an early night and catch up on some sleep. I've only got about another 3 weeks though then we are getting made redundant. Ive got an interview on the 5th January aswell..i'm looking forward to that!!

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas everybody!!!

I hope you all have a good one!!

 

 

Fucking AOL

Fucking shit AOL went down on Thursday night,and ive only just managed to get it online again. I installed it and un istalled it 3 times, and I still couldn't get online. Today, I managed it, but I've lost all my favorite sites, so I've got to go back and refind them. Fucking thing.

Well christmas is nearly upon us. I'm quite looking forward to it this year and the for the year coming up. New year, new job!!

Happy Birthday to ME

I'm 33 today!!

I dont feel a day over 40...haha

Boys with Toys

Its been a fairly good week, I've brought myself some new gadgets for the car. I've got a really cool new car stereo, which links up to my mobile phone so that I can make calls while driving and I can hear it all through my car speakers...cool huh?

I also got myself a Sat Nav system for the car. I love watching it when I really should be concentrating on my driving!! I think Lee is gettin g me an I Pod for christmas. If he does, that will go in the car aswell. I love gadgets!!

I'm going out in the morning to have a game of golf with Craig. I've not tried out my new clubs since I brought them last week. I've really started to get into the game since I went down the driving range with Craig last month.

As of Tuesday I will be another year older. 33 this year and I dont feel a day over 40..haha. I went to the pub with Lee last night to celebrate it and I got really shitfaced. All the old gang from 5 years ago were out and it was just like old times again..fucking great night. Trouble was, was that I was really ill this morning. The worst moment was chucking up in Safeways car park as people were coming out from church....i think they were sending me to hell...well I felt like I was already there!!

On a last note....it was my dog Gus's 3rd birthday today. I tried to get him to blow out the candles on a little cake but he wasn't having it. Ungratefull little bastard!! haha

Blisters!!

I did the second half of a gig for a band called Sultan last night. They are a really good rock and roll band, playing stuff like AC/DC, Rush, Bryan Adams and so forth. I went for it a little to hard, and now today my fingers are blistered to fuck!!( see pic ) They really do hurt, but it was a great gig, very loud and very sweaty. Despite the pain I kept going, I just wrapped electrical tape round my fingers. I think I've stolen the regular drummers gig aswell. he he

World Aids Day

Its World Aids Day people, Lets all remember and spare a thought.

Education is what we need!!

Bastard Cold!!

Its freezing cold again!! I hate the winter. I think I said this last year, but I hate the cold the cold but I love the snow, and we seem to be the only county that hasn't had some.

On Monday I went for my first massage, and it was one of the most wonderfull things that I've had done.It was extremely relaxing and he bloke made me feel really relaxed . I will be going again!!

Freddie!!

Its 14 years ago today that Freddie Mercury died of bronchio Pneumonia brought on by Aids. I very nearly ended the same way last year when I had the same thing...i was lucky!!

My thought are of Freddie and his great music...

He is sadly missed

Screaming Ears

The gig was amazing!! We got there fairly early and my Mum sat upstairs with little Brad, and I went to the front with Andy. We were right up against the barriers at the front of the stage in front of the P.A. After the first 2 bands, Motorhead came on, and the the P.A. screamed into full force and it was so loud. At one point, it was so loud that my teeth were hurting.

After the gig we made our way home, and I could'nt hear a thing out of my left ear, and only a bit out of my right one. I know that sounds bad but it was brilliant. I've always wanted to get the full experiance of them and now I have. They had some really bad sound problems all night, with amps packing up, and the drummer having a problem with his snare drum, but they kept the spirit up and put on a stunning show.

Yesterday I went out with Lee for the day. We decided to go to the pictures for the day. We went to see the new Harry Potter film, and The Exorcism of Emily rose. Both were great films. In between them, we went for dinner at Frankie and Bennies restaurant. Great food there I love the place.

Today I've been to France and Belgium with Antony, Craig and Bridget. We went over on the ferry and drove up the coast for a while, then came back and went to Eastenders the cheap booze place, and fuck me it was cheap. 24 bottles of Budvar for £9 ( $16 ) The best bargain was 24 cans of Pepsi for £4.99!! ( $2.50 )..what a fucking bargain that is. After we got back we went back to they'rs for some dinner.

I'm back at home now, totally exhausted from my hectic weekend...Thank god I'm off tomorrow aswell!!

Motorhead day!!

At last its Motorhead day!! I'm off to see them tonight down at the Folkstone Leas Cliff Halls. The venue is great. Its really small and intimate, and you can see the band wherever you are. I've been to big gigs and small ones in all venues ( Wembley Stadium was a shithole though ) and I much prefere small venues. You get much more atmosphere in the crowd and you can really feel the music. Andy and me have all the intensions of standing next to the P.A. system throughout the gig, but Motorhead are the loudest band around, so I'll see what happens when they come on.

Winter has finally arrived. It's fucking feezing here today. I think its just not far above freezing. I had to get the frost off my windscreen when I left work last night. I hate this weather. I dont mund the snow, because that is fun, but all this cold I hate

Give me the hot sunshine anytime...I need a holiday I think

Tribute Bands

I've been a bit sceptical of tribute bands since I saw a band called Magic, who did Queen songs. They were good musically, but they tried to look and act like them and it seemed a bit false. With this in mind, Antony and me went to see a Deep Purple tribute act on Saturday night, and they were brilliant!! They didn't look like them.but they played spot on. First off they did the whole of the In Rock album, with Child in Time on and Speed King. When they came back on for the enchore, they played Burn and Highway Star, which are my two favorite songs. I wasn't sure that Antony would like it, but after a few beers he was headbanging and bopping away like mad. It was such a good night anmd when we left my voice had gone from all the singing, and I was dripping with sweat..great night.

The hangover Sunday wasn't as great though!! I was sick 7 or 8 times in the morning, so I stayed in bed until 4 o'clock. I went to see Antony at work after when I got up and he felt as rough as I did.

Yesterday I went to play golf with Craig. I was crappy this week. I could'nt hit a barn door with the thing. I definatly need more practice.

There is a lad in the news that has had H.I.V. for 3 years, and his body seems to have fort the virus and it has gone. Its quite exciting news, but they are going to have to do lots of test's on him...fingers crossed!!

 

Cheeky Fucker and The Hatchet Man

Part 1......The Cheeky Fucker!!

Today just takes the piss!! One of my managers thats in charge of trying to save the site has gone to the company with what he thinks is a great plan for them. He has stated that we will be fully flexible across site, work a banked hours week, and ( and this is the good one!! ) we all take a £10,000 ( $18,000 ) a year pay drop!! FUCK THAT!!! Now this man obviously thought that we would be over the moon with his plan to save our jobs, but was a little upset when we laughed in his face and told him bollocks!!. I think he is on a losing battle anyway.

Part 2....The Hatchet Man!!

On Tuesday next week, the hatchet man is coming down to our place. Already this week he has closed one site down. Warrington went Monday or Tueasday this week, and I believe that Bristol has gone aswell. There have been rumours all week that we will be closing earlier than expected, some have been saying the 28th of this month. The thing is, is that they still have to pay us until the official 90 days consutation has finished. This will mean 6 weeks of getting paid full whack for sitting on my arse indoors...i can cope with that!!. After that time we will get our further 90 days notice and our redundancy payed to us. So really I'm not sure what is happening...lets see what happens on Tuesday or Wednesday.

Ritchie Blackmore is god!!

After weeks and weeks of practice, I've finally nailed the solo of Highway Star. Its a funny solo that mixes the chord progressions and scales of Bach and Pagnini, the switch's to a blues scale after the speed picking section. Having listened to a lot of Deep Purple lately and studying Ritchie quite closely, his style is very classicaly rooted, he's just playing it on a guitar as opposed to violins. I can do some of Beethovens 5th on the guitar, and i'm going to try and do some more classical stuff. It'll be hard..but worth it!!!

Plus he's a bit off a show off on the guitar and I like that a lot..see above pic!!

Meeting of The Minds

We went to the Aids meeting last night and it was better than I thought it was going to be. The bit I really didn't like was at the start when we had to go round the room and say our names. I thought it was a bit stereotypical therapy meeting stuff. Nobody was was really saying much at first, just some small talk, but after some prompting, the group really took off and a lot of issues were disscussed. All in all I think it was a worth while things to go to.I found out about some complimentary treatment I can have, like aromatherapy, hypnotherapy, reflexoligy and massage. I was saying to Craig the other day that I could do with with a massage but said that I was worried about endind up somewhere seedy and that I didnt want the "extras"!! Well, unless it was a buff 22yr old, then I might think about it!!

Its still pissing down with rain and I'm just about getting the arsehole with it. I think its rained everyday here since Monday. It wants to sort itself out for Saturday as Im off to a big fireworks display with my family for my sisters birthday. We went last year and it was drizzling..it was shitty!!! 

P.S.

A little P.S. foot note to the last entry, I've just watched them play Bohemian Rhapsody with Freddie Mercury singing on the screan at the back of the stage and I've cried my eyes out..it's beutifull..he was so good. I remember the day he died..i cried my eyes out for hours. I've visited his house..so NJLB if you want to see it when you come over i'll take you there.

I Got Some News

Its ironic that I should be listening to this song and typing this after what I've said in past entry's, but...Im back with Lee. I know what I said in the past, but I miss him so badly and I really do love him. The trouble we had I think was that we never talked to one another about our problems, and it just built up to a head and something had to give. We have talked a lot about it, and have agreed that we needed the break. Things are going slow and I suppose we are starting again from scratch really. I do love him with all my heart.

Antony has not taken to well to it, so I'm giving a few days to sort himself out. I do care deeply for him, dont get me wrong and I'm not going to abandon him, things wont change as far as I'm concerned.

On another note, I went out with Craig today to the golf driving range to bash a few balls about ( cough cough ). I was hitting every ball straight down the spout and he was getting shitty with me because I haven't played golf for 13 years. So I'm going to get myself a set of bats and practice more regulally. After that we went looking at cars. Now this is a bad point. We went to a Ferrari garage because he had never seen one for real, and the were loads of them there. I saw an old one that I could afford to bye, it was £14000 (  $27000) which is well cheap for one. I now have my heart set on it. Ive always wanted  a Ferrari since the days of Magnum, and I think this is my chance of getting one.

Yet another note.. Those of you who like Queen, get the new Return Of the Champions DVD..its fucking magic!! I was a bit dubious about Paul Rodgers at first, but having listen to the c.d. and now watching the DVD, he's fucking great.Plus they do a load of old Free and Bad Company songs, which are really cool. Roger Taylor still cant sing for toffee though..his aids song is cool though

Farting at the Theatre

I went to see my neice in her dance show last night. For the second year running I failed to notice her and had to ask which one she was. They all looked the same so it was hard to tell the difference between them. She was really good, as were all the performers. My favorite bit though was when they did a Disney section, and they had all these kids dressed up as lions and tigers ( and bears oh my!! ) doing little dances to the Jungle book and the Lion King. They were only about 4 or 5 years old and they were really sweet.

During the performance I had a bad stomach cramp and needed to let some gas go as it were, so I waited until a loud section of the show and let one rip. No one will notice I thought...but it stunk unfortunatly. I tried to blame someone else but I was rumbled..never mind!!

Pissy Friday

Another pissy dull Friday. Its rained here for the 6th time this week, and to be perfectly honest I'm getting the right royal ump with it!! Im definaltly a summer person. Give me a hot day anytime of the year.

Tomorrow night I'm going to see my little neice in a show in the local theater. I have no real idea what it is, but I think its a dance show. I saw her a couple of years ago in a dance show and I was so proud of her.

I'm really tired..so I off to bed!!

HA HA!!

Being the complete fucktard that I am, I was too thick to work out how to put the Vivi awards thing in my journal, so I did what any good Brit would do....I STOLE IT!! I must say a big thank you to NJLB as I copied and pasted it from his site. Ha Ha Cheers mate!!

How could you be pissed of with a face like that!!

Well Impressed

I'm well happy today!! It might only be a small thing, but I learn how to play Us and Them and Comfortably Numb by Pink Floyd on the guitar today. I can play the solo's and everything. Well impressed!! I'm thinking of taking up another instrument. I can play drums, guitar and bass guitar now, so I want to challenge myself a bit more and learn somthing harder. The mandolin is still proving hard, but that has been down to some wanker ( ME!! ) tuning the thing wrong so nothing would sound right on it...ho hum!!. I'm think of taking up the double bass or the cello. I dont know why, but I think they would be really cool to learn.

NJLB has finally given a heads up as to what this whole VIVI thing is all about. I really did have no idea at all, but it is good to see new people reading my thoughts.

Next week, Lee is coming to the H.I.V meeting with me. Our councillor is now frightened as when Lee and me get together we cant keep our mouth's shut, but we have been told that it is our group and we should say what we feel. Its going to be along meeting if we get going, as there are some issues that we have with the way we are getting treated.

I.E. On paper, because I had P.C.P, that technically means that I have AIDS ( as it still does in America ) but this is all working from the methods of 10 years ago when the medicine's were not as good as they are now, so if you got P.C.P they could not treat you and you would die. Now the thing is, my viral load is now undetectable so health wise im just H.I.V. positive, but still on paper an AIDS case. Its confusing and it caused me to have a bit of a strop at my doctor. The way they describe the condition should be upto date to go along with current medicines and practices and not those of ten years ago!!...and another thing that piss's me off....its people saying that I'm suffering from H.I.V....im not suffering..I'm living with it and I'm probably more healthy now than I have been since I was 18!!

Ok..I do get little ache's and pain in my joints, but an asprin a day sorts that out, so its nothing to really worry about. I can still do everything that any body else does, and I've got a great network of family and close freinds that know about my illness and could'nt give a flying fuck about it. Its rarely discussed unless I bring it up and they just let me get on with things.

Another thing that gets me ( I'm on a roll here, bear with me ) its the way that people are still ignorant about it and believe it cant happen to them. Straight people are the worst for this. In my country ( England ) there are now more straight people with it than gay men. There has been a huge rise in one night stands with the teeneagers and they are not using protection. They just think a dose of the clap or crabs will be the worst that will happen. The government are not doing enough ( in MY oppinion ) to get the message out that this is a real problem at the moment with the kids, and the figures are only going to go up.

This also go for gay men that are still having unprotected sex with they're partners..one of these people reads my journal sometimes..YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!!!

Its a shitty disease and it should be taken seriously...nobody thinks it can or will happen to them..and speaking from experiance.....IT CAN!!!!

Rant over

Another Gig?

I played another gig on Friday night with another band that I had been told about. Well, I played a 5 or 6 songs with them, and from what they were saying and from what I was told by my manager who was playing drums for them for the evening, they are very impressed with me. I'm really pleased as they play a lot of what I like. AC/DC, Deep Purple, Rush..all the old school rock stuff that I love. I was great and they play so loud, which I love. The drummer they have at the moment plays to quietly and will only play what he wants to play, so they are getting a bit pissed off with him. I've told them that after January I will be able to gig as often as they want, as I should be self employed by then. They're a great band and a friendly bunch of guys and it would be great to play for them. Its the band I've always wanted to join..playing the music I love.

I still cant get my head around this Vivi thing. I dont even know what catergory I'm in. Is it the most babbling piece of English shit catergory? Anyway..what could I win? Still..its nice to be nominated ( thanks NJLB ) and lets see what happens.

Vivi Awards?

Hello to all the new people that have been to my journal..I do appreciate it, and your kind words. Anyway....What the fuck is this Vivi award thing? I've never heard of it and how was I nominated?, and who nominated me? Not that I'm not gratefull for it, but this was just something I started to get some of my thoughts out in the open. I never thought anyone would ever start to read it. I've been honest through it all, and times have been good and bad over the last year and 2 months since I started it. Its been good to read back through it myself and see what a journey its been. I've made some good friends on here aswell. NJLB, Larry and Cubbycub are all good friends of mine and I love them dearly. We've all talked and helped each other over the year with our issues, even though they sometimes dont understand my English...some things get lost in translation.

Anyway, I went to The Ship again with Lee last night and saw a really crap drag act. They were using jokes from a comedian in the 80's and I new every single one of them. They were better when they just went free flow and took the piss out of the crowd. I'm still fragile at the moment, its 12.20pm and I still feel drunk. I'm going to take the dogs for a walk in a bit to clear my head out.

I've been asked by my H.I.V. councillor to go to a meeting with people in the same situation. I'm half looking forward to it and half dreading it. I can imagine it being full of people feeling sorry for themselves, but we'll see. I get down about it sometimes, but in reality you just have to get on with it. Its not going to go away after all...unless they come up with some wonder drug soon.

Anyway I'm babbling...............

Living it Large

I went for a drink on Saturday night with Lee, and it was a really good night, we got on so well. He's changed and I've changed I think. We were actually talking to one another and having a conversation, where as before we would just sit there and ignore one another. I'm pleased.

On Sunday I went looking for cars that I could possibly use for a taxi cab. Unfortunatly I went to a B.M.W garage, and fell in love with a new 5 series. Totally impractical for a cab but its really stunning. So I'm thinking about getting it for me and doing something else for a job. I'm still thinking about getting myself a Gibson double neck guitar like Jimmy Page used on Stairway to Heaven. Trouble is they cost £2000 ( $4000)!!!

Yesterday I went to my Aids doctor. All my counts are good and I've stabled out really well. The virus is still undetectable in my blood, so if I had a blood test now it would come back negative. Its a relief I can tell you. My immune system still isnt working to well, but he's not to bothered by that, although he said that the stress of the situation at work could lead to my counts mucking about. I've just got to keep an eye on things.

83 days to go!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Wheels are Falling Off!!

Work is becoming a very big chore now. We are doing even less work and Ive just spent a day sitting on my fat arse again doing fuck all for 10 hours. In November we are going down to servicing 17 stores...yes just 17, from the 140 odd we were doing this time last year. The company have gone into a 90 day consultation period, which they have to do by law, after this they have to say weather we go or stay. The good money is on us being given the chop on the 11th January, which is the day after this period finish's. They still have to give us 90 days notice, but our union are saying that they will pay us that and tell us to fuck of and dont come back. I dont mind losing my job, because they are paying me to go, but I really dont think I can handle another 3 months of sitting around..its min numbing!!

The comedy club was quite good the other night. I was still feeling really crap though and was still being sick when we were in the pub waiting to go in. Like the valiant trooper I am, I managed to carry on drinking beer and after a while I was ok!! I will never learn. On Sunday we assembled Antony's new bed. Unfortunalty the silly bastard didn't measure it and it didn't fit the space that he wanted it in. We litterally jammed it in the space. I've told him im going on holiday when he moves so I dont have to get it out....the bed that is!!

Oh well, bed time for me!!

Only 88 more days to go!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Rough!!

My Antony was 27 yesterday and this morning i am sporting the mother off all hangovers!! I've been really sick last night and this morning, but its all my own fault!!

We are going to a comedy club tonight with my friends Craig and Bridget, I hope the comedians are funny, it would be shit if they were crap..be just my luck though!!

Aonther day another doller

I've been off this week just to relax and sort my head out as to what the fuck I'm going to do when I get the bullet from work. I'm going to get my cab licence i hope and do that. It's going to cost me a bit to do and its going to be quite hard, but the pay is good.

Yesterday Ant and me went into London and we had a look round Camden. Its a lot friendlier than central London and its very vibrant there, full of young people of all races and all styles. Goths, Rap boys everyboy..its was a great cultural thing for me to see....and the shopping was good!!

We went to a gaybar called The Black Cap afterwards..I've never been there before and it was a great pub..the staff were nice and so were the people in there...we got very very wasted..haha

I feel really really shitty today, but i really do fancy a Sunday Roast..so off to the pub i go!!!

Keep right on till the end of the road

I keep forgetting to update this thing, as lots has been going on. Things at work have been rough for the last couple of months, we have been servicing less shops and the stock leval has dropped really low. I went into work Friday and we were told that we were shutting down, so basically I've been made redundant. We dont know exactly when we are going, it would be 6 weeks, 3 months or 6 months, its just a waiting game. I'm not that gutted by it as ive been there 10 years and I think its time for a change. Its going to be shit to leave all the mates ive got there and start again, Im going to miss Craig and Rob a lot as I've been mates with them all this time. Still...life goes on.

Tonight I'm going with my nephew to see a band called Nightwish. Apparantly they are Finnish and they play some sort of gothic metal, and the woman singer does it in opera style!? Should be an eye opener!!

So Work This Out!

Ok Ok I said I never would, bit Lee and myself are taking tentative steps to getting back together. We sat down the other night and had a chat about it, and we both decided to give it another shot. We BOTH understand what happened to ruin it in the first place. Most of it was lack of converstaion between us, so problems never got solved in the long run. We are going slow and starting from scratch. I do miss him and I do love him madly, I'm not just saying it because nothing is going to happen with Antony, but the truth is, when I left Lee I still kept thinking about him everyday, and realised how much I missed him. Fingers crossed.

On an even better side, it looks like we are going on strike at work next Friday. I like the idea of this as it gives me a long weekend and I can go down the pub. I'll do my bit on the picket line aswell, just to say I've done it....Its going to be fun putting one up the company. 

Hungover

I had a really good night out with Antony last night. We went to a bar that was really a metal bar..it was full with students who like rock and punk and stuff like that. I didnt think that Antony would like it but he did. We went to the gay bar after that, but he said he could have stayed in that other bar all night.

Its been shitty at work this week aswell, we still dont know if we are shutting down or not, they wont tell us anything. I'm not really bothered if we do or dont, i've been there long enough to get a good redundancy out of them.

I've just got a new favorite Iron Maiden song which is nothing like any other Maiden song that I know. Its an acoustic number called Journeyman and its got great lyrics to it. The chorus struck a chord with me,

I know what I want

I say what I want

And no one can take it away

I'll do what I want

I'll be who I want

And no one will take it away.

Happy Birthday Freddie

Today would have been Freddie Mercury's 59th birthday. To mark the event I have been playing Queen songs and I have made a donation to the Mercury Pheonix trust, which was the aids trust that Queen set up after he died.

 

Anyway, The date went well the other night and yes NJLB..I did take your advice. ( is swallowing aloud though? ), I'm going to see him again next week, he's very a very sweet guy. Still keeping my options open though.

Lee phoned me last night and he has dumped Dave.Apparantly he was very high maintainance and Lee got pissed off with it. He is going through a rebelious stage I think..he seems to be shagging anything that moves, he's started smoking and has been dabbling with drugs..I'm not getting involved and just let him get on with it.

Antony is ok too, we still seem to spend most of our time together, and we are still behaving like an old married couple. We've got a lot of things planned for the next few months.

Another thing..what the fuck is happening in New Orleans? From what I'm seeing on the news it just seems like everyone has gone on the rampage. In this country, we would pull together as a community and help each other out and pull each other through it, I cant get my head around all these gun totting twats that are running round shooting people and looting shops. O.K. to an extent I can understand breaking into a shop to try and get water and food, but I saw a picture in the paper of looters carrying arm full's of tracksuits...now I'm not being funny, but no one is really going to want to bye them are they? Also, if people want help, why are some dickheads shooting at the rescuers? Some people really do need to get a grip on reality!!

It also seems that George Bush really has done fuck all about it. The best bit of advice I heard was " If you dont need to bye gas, then dont! " thats going to help!! It did make me laugh though. Its a huge thing that the government have to cope with, but they have been slow sorting there shit out. We had something happen over here last year in a place called Boscastle. After a freak storm, a wall of water came down off the mountains washed the village away, they are still pulling cars out of the sea and they are a mile from land. These people just got on with it and those not as badly affected helped those that were. Some people had all they're family and house wiped away in seconds, but no one got a gun and started shooting at the numerous rescue helicopters that were flying over trying to get people.

Maybe its a social thing between out two country's, and without trying to big our country up ( we too have huge faults ) i definatly think we are more community minded and more willing to help each other in time of crisis.

Thats it..rant over

 

I got a date!!

I've been talking to Shaun every night this week for about 3 hours a night on IM.and we have arranged a meet for tomorrow night. We get on really well it seems so it will be intersting how we do when we meet. I'm really excited by it all, its good to know I can still do it, and I wasn't particulaly looking for anyone either.

I'm just going to take things slow and see how it goes

Wow its warm!!

Wow the weather has been great for about four days now and I'm really loving it. Antony and me went for a huge drive on Saturday night, we did 250 miles round the south coast of England. That was great as we went to a lot of places the I've never been to before.

Yesterday we hit the gym quite hard and went for a huge swim. I'm not a strong swimmer by any means, but I managed to do 8 lengths of the pool. I'm regretting it today because I feel really fucked and my arms are aching. If I want a swimmers body then its got to be done.

Oh I forgot to tell. I've been having internet chat with a lad who really wants to meet me. We've been talking for about a week everynight, and he seems really into me. He's very good looking so I may be going to meet him on Friday night after work. We'll see how it goes..........

Rant Time

Have any of you recently had the update for AOL that is to improve your connection, only to find that when you download it and install it, it leaves you with no connection at all? I've now tried to do this 4 times to no avail...it keeps fucking up!! What the fucking hell is wrong with them! So i decide's to give the help line a ring.....BAD MOVE!!. Little did I know that the call center for the U.K. is now no longer in Dublin, its in fucking India, and the lady that I spoke to on the other end could'nt understand a fucking word I was saying...I mean whats the point? It's about as much use as a one legged man in an ass kicking contest!! Bless her heart she did try, but she could'nt understand me and I could'nt understand her. THEN...AOL send me an e mail to ask me what I thought of they're customer service's department. Well let me tell you that they were told in no uncertain terms what a think of it...very polite and nice..but fucking pointless!!!

On a brighter note ( ish ) Antony and me have sort of sorted our shit out and are at least still really good friends. I'm still gutted that we wont be a couple, but at least we will still be really close friends forever. As for Lee, well I dont know. He's been quite distant with me this week, but I'm not going to hassel him, its not fair. So now I'm on the prowl for a new companion..dating again...at my age!!

Changes

i feel unhappy
I feel so sad
I lost the best friend
That i ever had

She was my woman
I loved her so
But it's too late now
I've let her go

I'm going through changes
I'm going through changes

We shared the years
We shared each day
In love together
We found a way

But soon the world
Had its evil way


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My heart was blinded
Love went astray

I'm going through changes
I'm going through changes

It took so long
To realize
That i can still hear
Her last goodbyes
Now all my days
Are filled with tears
Wish i could go back
And change these years

I'm going through changes
I'm going through changes

Well its all gone wrong!

Antony and me have parted after he told me last night that there was no way we would ever be together as a proper couple. I'm absolutely gutted by this. I gave up Lee for him and he knows it. Its such a shame and I dont really know what to do now. I'm going to try and get Lee back I think and make it work with him. I spoke to him last night and he says he needs to think about it for a couple of days, which is understandable. If he says that he wants to sty with Dave and not me, then I really have lost everything. Antony and Lee..........

What a mess

Its now a weekend thing!!

Another busy weekend. Saturday Antony and me went to the gym and had a good work out, after that I went to work with him to help him out for a bit. We went to the gay bar afterwards with some of his work collegues. It was agreat night and I got shit faced again.

Sunday we didn't do much apart from work...I'm getting good at taking calls now so I help him out as much as I can. Monday was pretty much the same.

Today I've been at work and for a change I actually done some!!! Craig had piles last week and was giving me all the gorey details of, thankfully it has passed now.

Lee now knows that I am hanging round with Antony again..I dont think he's best pleased, but hey ho!!

Busy weekender

It's been a really hectic weekend. On Saturday we went to Thorpe Park which is a big water theme park. We went on most of the rides, most of which were scary, especially the new swing ride which really scared Antony..haha..i loved it..he screamed like a bitch!!! After that we went to a BBQ at his aunt and uncles house. This was the first time that I have met them and they're kids, and they were a really loverly and welcoming family. His Mum and Dad and Nan were there to and we had a really good chat and a laugh.

On Sunday we went to another BBQ. This time it was Antony's friend Emily's Mum and Dads party. They're were lots of people there, most I didn't know but hey ho. After that I had to take Emily into London for a training course. It wasn't until we got there that I realised that it was at Tavistock Square which is where to bus got blown up the other week!! The bus got blown up right outside of the hotel!!!! nice!!!. We didn't hang around long as Emily was sharing a room with a collegue and there was a lot of shop talk going on..and I hate shop talk, even my own.

We took a drive from the center of  London out to the west and on down to Brighton. We had a little drive around there then we made our way along the coast for a bit then back home.

Yesterday I had to go to the hospital for a check up. I'm still fine and I've managed to lose 1.3 stone ( dont know what that is in pounds..but i'm happy with it!! ) I done it just by drinking water and not eating sweets and shitty food. Anyway...after that, Antony came round and helped me to clear my extremly shitty and horrible cellar out. It hasn't been done for years and it was in a right mess. We got most of it cleared and taken up the tip.

He asked me if I wanted to go for dinner in the evening and that he would pay for it. Of course I said yes! It was a loverly meal..i really enjoyed it, we just a quiet night and chat, very mellow and nice.

It made me realise that I love him so much xxx

Why do I bother!!

Another long and even more boring week than last week. Yesterday I literally did nothing in a 10 shift...and I mean NOTHING!!!. I was fucking well bored. The new system sucks donkey bollocks and is the biggest pile of old wank that I have even seen. You cant find fuck all, nothings where it should be, and we are being bossed about by some fucking northern grease monkey's! Its been a great week !!!.

All up in the air

Its been a long shitty week at work. We have no work so I spend most of my 10 hour shift doing nothing. Friday I did 2 hours work all day!!. I know it sounds good but it does get boring. We are having a system change over this weekend, so when I go back i'll have to totally relearn my job..great!!

Ive been really tired this week so I haven't really done much. I went out for a drink with Antony Friday night, which was good, but I got very drunk very quickly..haha

Back to normality

Now that I've got the holiday stuff out the way I can get with my normal bullshit journal.

Its a bit frightening at the moment living in this country. We had the bombings while I was away, and again last week but they failed to go off. It transpires this morning that they have foiled another attempt to do some more bombings. What is strange is that is British muslims doing it. What the fuck is wrong with these people!!! Its true what I read once, that religon is the cause of nearly every war. Its frightening really.

I was ( am ) really concerned for Lee as he spends a lot of time in London now with his new boyfriend Dave. Dave appartntly missed the 7/7 bombings by 5 minutes. Lee knows I'm worried about him being up there and had said he will be carefull.

Me myself am giving London a wide birth for a little while. I dont fancy being blown up by some looney cunt anytime soon.

Day 14

Home time today. The flight left on time at least and it was reasuringly dull when we back to England. Home sweet home!!!

Its been a great holiday with someone that I love dearly...love ya Ant xxx

Day 13

We didn't do alot again today, we packed and got ready for home which was a bit sad. It's been a great holiday, but its always nice to go back to the reality of home.

We seemed to have adopted a couple of cats, El Scorchio and Potatas Frittas. What a couple of old queens we are.

Tonight we went back down to the beach bar to say goodbye to our friends at the bar. They were friendly and even brought us a beer. What a great last night.

Day 12

Did nothing today but watched films on the movie channel. The reason for this is that we are both poor and are watching the last of our euro's so that we have enough food. I think we'll be ok.

Day 11

Today we got up and went to see if we could hire some quad bikes for the day. Some dumb cock forgot his driving license so we scrapped that idea and went on the bus to Pueto Rico to have a go on the jet ski's. They were expensive and you were resticted as to where you could go, plus you only had 20 minutes on them.

Antony saw a speed boat and we enquired how much that was going to cost. It was the same price as a jet ski, but you got it for an hour and you could go where the fuck you wanted on it. Antony drove it and it was great bouncing about in the open sea speeding about on this thing. The fun part was taking off over the wake of the bigger boats. Great day.

Day 10

Today was the day of all days. We got to the cattermaran just after 9.30, we set sail just after 10 and we sat on the back of the boat with our feet dangling in the water.

We sailed up the coastline until we got to a secluded bay where we all went for a swim. I hate deep water and cant swim to well, so they put a life jacket on me so that I could still go in.

We had some lunch then moved on because it was radioed to us that there were some dolphins about. It was tryely magical watching them swim past in the wild.

We sat on the back steps of the boat on the way back. It was very peacefull and Antony was sat between my legs ( nothing rude people!!! ) it was very romantic. ( puke ) Antony absolutly hammered the free bar and was pissed up by the time we got back. I've put him to bed so he can sleep it off.

It turns out that our guide for the day is a drag queen, so we went to see him tonight. It was good and Antony got even drunker, I was there to look after him though.

Day 9

Today we got up and got a bus to Las Palmas which is the capital city. It was a typical Spanish town with brightly coloured houses and shops. The only thing wrong with the place was that it stunk to high heaven. I dont know what it was but it was nasty. I also got very stressed out in Burger King when the woman did'nt understand me. M y fault though I think, I was just being an ingnorant Brit.

Tonight we went out to a very nice but overpriced restaraunt. The food was stunning though.

After that we went and played crazy golf which was great fun. We came home early as Antony has got some blisters on his feet and they were sore.

Day 8

After a very early start, we met up with the jeep safari, which took us up into the mountains. This was ok when the roads were tarmac, but when they turned into dirt tracks it was scary. The roads were barely passable in some places and there were some huge drops either side of us. Antony was very scared.

After some lunch we made our way to the camel safari. This has got to be the most bizzare thing I've ever done.Very funny though.

Tonight we went to the Yumbo center which is supposed to be the gay night life of Gran Canaria, but the place was really un inviting and a bit shit really, so we ended up going to a bar on the prominade next to the beach. There was loads of entertainment, with a fire breather, a clown and a couple of guitar players.We stayed there all night and they were really nice to us and making us feel welcome. Great night.

Day 7

Thought of the day..

Of all the things I value most in life

I see my memories and feel they're warmth and know that they are good

Day 6

I've just got up and for once there are some clouds in the sky, not to many but enough to give a litle restbite from the blazing sun. I dont think we have much planned for today, just being lazy.

We've done fuck all all day really. It was far to hot to go out, so we waited until later then went for a swim in the pool.

Tonight we went for a walk to Maspalomas ( where the big hotels are ) just to have a nose about. We got sown to the beach and decided to walk back through the water back to Playa da Ingles. I think we must have walked about 7 miles or so. My feet are aching but it was fun.

Day 5

Today we went to a huge water park up in the hills, which was such great fun. The only problem with the place was that the floor was red hot and you had to keep running from slide to slide to stop your feet from burning.

We went back to the restaraunt tonight, which is a stunning place with great food. After that, we went for a little walk then came home and went to bed.

Day 4

I think today we are going to see if we can find my camera. I'm such a cock for leaving it on the boat. Antony wants to go on a jet ski..the boys going to kill me!!

We didn't do the jet ski thing as it was far to hot and Antony's legs we burning up. We went looking for the camera but could'nt find it. Never mind.

We stayed in tonight and had a good chat over a bottle of vodka on the terrace.

Day 3

Rotten hangover today. I'm sitting in the garden drinking some nice chilled water and watching the people go down to the pool. Unfortunatly there are some women with they're bristols ( tits ) out, which is great to look at if your straight, but not for me thank you.

We went into Puerto Rico this afternoon to have a look around.They had loads of pleasure craft there like cattermarans and glass bottomed boats. We went on one that was a boat, but had a compartment that was under water that you could sit and watch the fish. The fish were stunning and swimming right next to the boat. The sea was bit rough and after a little while I started to get really sea sick. I was trying to keep my chin up and not tell Antony, but little did I know that he felt just as sick!!

When we got off like a dumb cock I left my video camera on the boat, so we are going back tomorrow to see if they have or someone has nicked it. I'm such a twat!!!

In the evening we went for a walk into town and along the beach. It was loverly to sit on a sun lounger and look up at the stars. It was still hot at that time of the night. Truely magical!!

Day 2

Today we got up at around 10am and we went out to find a bank to get some money. We went to the beach this afternoon and played in the sea. The waves were huge and we got a nice tan.

This evening we went for a loverly meal in a restaraunt just round the corner form our appartment. We have been drinking most of the day and we are both a bit pissed up. Tonight we went back out to the Yumbo center, which is a shopping center by day and is the gay night life area by night. Confusing huh?. We got right royally wasted then caught a cab home to go to bed.

Day 1

We got to the airport very early ( 4.30am ) for our 9am flight. Its now 10am and we are still here!. Ant has been awake since 7am yesterday and I've had 4 hours sleep, pissed off is an understatement!

After quite a time we got notified that we would have a 7 hour delay in total and would be taking off at 4pm. Antony has just decided that its time for a pint...good idea.

We finally arrived at our hotel at 10pm. The appartment is great with 2 storys. We gave a balcony upstairs and a nice garden and patio downstairs.

First day back at work

Well I'm back from my hols and it was great. I'm going to do the boring task of writing it all down on here what we got up to with the accompanying pictures.

Im very relaxed now and it was great to spend time with Antony. We did a lot of talking and really getting to know one another deep down..things have progressed lets just say that!

Last day at work

Well this is the last day at work beofre my holidays and I cant wait to get it over and done with and into holiday mode. I've got a load of things to do over the weekend, then its time to take stock, recharge my battery's and chill out with Antony.

I'm going to take a pad with me and jot down things that we do so that I can write them down on here when I come home ( I can hear you all growning!! fucking boring holiday story's with shitty photo's.....yes well fuck it its my journal!!! )

I'll try and make another post over the weekend but if I dont, happy 4th of july all my American friends, just think, when you wake up in the morning, I will be on a plane to a hot little island. Love you all xxxxxxx

Happy Birthday

HAPPY 60th BIRTHDAY MUM XXXX

Not as Depressed

I'm not as bad now as I was on Saturday, but the whole Lee thing is still playing on my mind. I've been with Antony and he has cheered me up somewhat. Craig at work has been great aswell, he just told me that it will be ok and to keep focused on myself and not what he's upto.

Its only 6 more days till i'm off. Antony has been making some lists of stuff that need doing, and what I need to bye. This weekend is going to be manic. There is so much to do, what with packing and stuff, and getting last minute things, i'll need this fucking holiday!!

Tonight I went along to the jam night again. The bloke in the band that I was auditioning for has turned out to be a bit of a wanker, but as luck would have it, I've caught the eye of a very talented ( and super sexy ) young guitarist. He always waits for me to turn up after work so that he can play with me ( no not like that!! ) We have very similar tastes in music so we work quite well. After we played we had a little chat and he says he is well impressed with me, so I said to him that if he ever needed a drummer, just give me a call, to which he replyed that he had been thinking about it. This is good, as he's a nice bloke aswell. I'll see what happens after my holiday

Not a Dry Eye in the House

Not a dry eye in the house

After love's curtain comes down

Listen and you'll hear the sound

Hear the sound of a heart breaking

 

Not a smile left on my face

The endings just to sad to take

And theres not a dry eye

Not a dry eye in the house

 

I'm Scared

I'm scared to move

I'm scared of standing still

I'm scared to change

I'm scared to stay the same

I'm so scared I want to die

I'm so scared of dying

I'm so scared of not being liked, not being loved

I'm scared to be alone

I'm scared of being with people

I'm scared of dissapproval

I'm scared of life

I'm so scared to lose what I've built

I'm scared of feeling of feeling scared

I'm scared of being ugly, being boring, being dull

I'm scared of my thoughts

I'm scared of being found out

I'm scared to dance

I'm scared to speak, to sing

I'm scarecd to say what I think

I'm scared to say no or yes to often

I'm scared of dissapointing

I'm scared of losing control

I'm scared of pain, of hurting, of being hurt

I'm scared this will go on till I die

I'm scared my heart will break

I'm scared of losing myself

I'm scared of finding myself

Because there might not be anyone there at all

I'm scared of the unknown future

I'm scared i'll make the wrong turn

I'm scared of the dark

I'm scared of failing

I'm scared it may all be for nothing

 

Too Much Love Will Kill You

I'm just the pieces of the man i used to be

Too many bitter tears are raining down on me

I'm far away from home

And Ive been facing this alone for far to long

I feel like no one ever told the truth to me

About growing up and what a stuggle it would be

In my tangled state of mind

Ive been looking back to find where I went wrong

 

Too much love will kill you

If you cant make up your mind

Torn between the lover and the love you leave behind

Your heading for disaster cos you never read the signs

Too much love will kill you everytime

 

I'm just the shadow of the man I used to be

And it seems that there's no way out of this for me

I used to bring you sunshine but all I ever do is bring you down

How would it be if you were standing in my shoes

Can't you see its impossible to choose

No theres no making sense of it

Everyway I go I have to lose

 

Too much love will kill you

Just as sure as none at all

It'll drain the power thats in you

Make you plead and scream and crawl

And the pain will make you crazy

I'm the victim of my crime

Too much love will kill you everytime

No more drinking

I've come to the realisation that drinking makes me depressed. We went to Craigs daughters party last night, it was a great night but today I've felt really bad. I cant get the thought of Lee with someone else out of my head. I'm starting to question if I made the right decision. I know deep down inside that I did, but its that although I love Antony dearly, I do miss Lee. Seven years is a long time. Today has been awfull because I have felt shitty and sick all day and I've been in a crap mood. I regretably had a go at Antony over something really silly, which I appologised for, and I was supposed to go to his Dads for a BBQ  and to watch the carnival. In the end I could'nt face it and just dropped him off and came home. I feel really bad about it, and I will say sorry to him when I see him again.

Will this mess ever sort itself out!!

Some Bullshit!!

NJLB TOLD ME TO DO THIS!!!!

Me...

Please leave a one word comment that you think best describes me.

It can only be one word - no more!

Then copy and paste this into your journal, so that I may leave a word about you.

Strange Feelings

I gad a phone call from Lee today informing me that he has met someone else. For some reason this really jolted me. I have no right to feel like this and after all, I was the one who dumped him. I'm pleased that he has moved on with life, but it feels like i've lost him forever, even as a friend because he is moving away. In a selfish way, I wish he hadn't told me, that way what you know cant hurt you right? I've told him that I dont mind  as long as he's happy and that i'll always be there if he needs me. After all, i'm plodding along with Antony.

The weather is still amazingly hot. As I write this its 23.39pm and its 21 degrees.Its too fucking hot at night.

Antony and myself are both off tomorrow. We are going to a party tomorrow night, which should be fun if its still this hot!! I'm going to put up some photo's ( sorry NJLB I know you hate them ) of Antony and of me drumming the other night.

Still Hot!!

Its still loverly sunny and hot at the moment.It looks set to last until the weekend, when as per normal they prodict that we will have thunder storms. Well, up in Yorkshire yesterday they had a storm that dropped a months worth of rain in 3 hours.They was flash flood and nastyness all around. I wont get flooded as i live on a hill, but I really dont want rain this weekend.

Work seems to be dragging like a club foot this week. Andy ( wanker ) Dye is on lates this week and is managing to piss just about everyone off. On a good note though, they have confirmed my new shift. As of when I come back off holiday, I will be working Tuesday to Friday 12-9.30. This gives me Saturday, Sunday and Monday off. Antony and me are going to have some long weekends away together going round the country. We were talking this morning about getting some mountain bikes and taking them with us. I can get a bike rack for the back of the car.

Oh fuck...I've got to go to work

Swelltering

Its roasting today, it has been since Friday. The funny thing is, on Thursday it was cold and pissing down with rain most of the day. Typical English weather I think..unpredictable.

Motorhead were fantastic the other night.This was the 6th time i've seen them now, and everytime they have played some songs that I've never seen them do before.This time they played loads of different stuff, from really old to really new stuff including Dr.Rock which is my favorite Motorhead song.

Antony's been working this weekend so I've been going in to see him. I stayed with him until 4 this morning, just helping him out in the office. It wasn't to busy last night. I think a lot of people walked home, or went to bbq's instead of going clubbing. Today I just got up and went and sat in the garden and started to top my tan up. I pick the old lady up from work and took her shopping, then came home and went back up the garden to do more sun bathing. I'm down now, Ive gone a bit red, but ho hum....i love this weather.

2 weeks tomorrow im going away...the countdown start's here!!!!

Motorhead day!!

Today I'm taking my Mum to see Motorhead at Hammersmith Odeon for her 60th birthday present. She loves them aswell so she really wanted to go. I wanted to go as its they're 30th anniversary concert, and they say a lot of special guests are going to be there. If its as good as the 25th anniversary it should be stunning.

Yesterday Antony and me went and booked up our holiday for NEXT year. We are going on a Cruise of the Med on a fucking great posh ship. Because we booked early we managed to get it 45% cheeper than the book price, and when you consider that we paid £1230 each ( around $2500 ) you do the maths on how much it should have cost. They have got a huge cinema scren out in the open, where you can watch films while you are in the swimming pool or in the jacuzzi.There's a gym and health suite plus 24 hour eating which could be bad. On the itinery we are going to Barcelona, Monte Carlo, Pisa, Rome and Majorca, plus a couple of other places that I cant remember the names of. We keep talking about next years holiday and we have'nt even been on this one yet!! Two weeks to go..cant wait

Ringing in my ears

Its beena busy weekend again. Friday night I did another rescue mission for Antony who was drunk in Maidstone again and could'nt get home. On Saturday we went down to Ramsgate on the coast top watch a powerboat racing compotition that was going on. Its was packed out down there, they also had a couple of bands playing and a funfair. We watched the racing for a little while, then decided that it was the most boring thing that we had ever seen. I t was ok to start with but it was dull, so we went to have something to eat then drove round the coast a bit more. We had a quick beer in a seafront bar then came home.

Yesterday we went to a shopping center and I brought some more clothes for the holiday. All we did in the evening was watch some films on T.V ( Mission Impossible 2..what a shit film!! )

Today I had a couple of hospitol appointments. The first one was my H.I.V  clinic. Things are still really good in that department and Ive not got to go back again for another 2 months, which I'm really pleased about. The other appointment was to see the doctor about my heart. Its ok but my cholesterol is too high.Soooooooo they have put me on another tablet to get it down. My blood pressure is fine but he says that I am 7 kilos over weight.Fuck it!!!!

Tonight, Antony and myself went back to the pub again for another audition / jam night. This week it was well more relaxed and played a blinder. It was seriously loud and aggresive but fuck it was fun. Antony enjoyed it aswell. They have given me a C.D. to listen to and learn, which I shall attempt to do this week so that I can play a couple of songs next week with them.The songs are good but I want to change some of the drum fills to suit my style...should'nt be a problem.

Never shave your chest!!

Important lesson number 1 boys and girls. NEVER SHAVE YOUR CHEST!!  I did it the other day and now that the hair is growing back, its absolute agony with the shaving rash. By fuck does it itch. Next time i'll just trim instead of totally shave. Thankfully I didn't shave my pubes to short.

Ive been looking into this band thing a bit more. They have a tour of England planned and are negotiating a tour of Europe and Japan. I'm very excited about it all but its a big step to take. Plus I dont know if I can up and leave Antony. This would be my dream job, but he is my dream partner. We still are taking things slowly and are not still officialy together, but soon I hope. If I could get him a job being my drum roadie then I would jump at the chance, doing my dream job with my dream boy.

What do I do?

Audition

We I went to the audition last night with Antony, who came along to support me. I was really really nervous for some reason and I nearly didn't go in, but Antony persuaded me to. Thanfully he did as I had a blast. It was a jam night and an audition at the same time, so there was a lot of other musicions there. We played a couple of heavy rock songs and I got right into the groove of it. The end result is that they were very impressed and have invited me back to a second audition. They are going to send me a c.d. so I can learn a couple of they're songs to play, just to see how I interperate them.

So all looks good

Day off

I'm having a day off from the gym today. I woke up and just could'nt face it. Ive been there for 2 hours a day for the last 3 days, so I figure that my body could do with a rest. I'm getting fitter as I can now run for 20 minutes on the running machine, which a couple of weeks ago I could never do. So I'm making progress.

Antony has been really tired so he hasn't been coming with me. He was ill at work the other night, so I stayed with him and helped him out until 3.30am. It was really busy so I did my best for him. He was still tired last night but felt ok. He really needs a good sleep.

Tonight after work I have my audition for this band. I'm a bit stressed about it for some reason. I think I'm over thinking it and winding myself up. As long as we do something I know I should  be ok. It is taking at a jam night in a pub, so there will be other musicians there which makes it worse. I would prefere it to be more 1 on 1, but we'll see how it goes. Antony is already going on about me being famous and me keeping him in the lap of luxury. Typical queen!! haha

Muscles are starting to grow!

I can see that this gym stuff is starting to pay off. The muscles on my arms are starting to get bigger and my man boobs are getting furmer, turning to muscle. Great!!! I need to look buff. I think on the weight side I'm at about 140 pounds. I still need to lose my gut though, but I've stopped drinking beer so that will help.

My little Antony is ok, he seems a lot happier these days and has cut down his drinking a lot aswell. He's on nights this weekend, so Ive got a quiet one. The weather is really shitty for June so I'm just going to stay indoors all day and do some jobs and play some music. I'll go to the gym later on this afternoon to have a little work out.

Oh well..things to do

Moneytalks

I'm fucking well skint this week. Ive just about got enough diesal in my car to last untill Friday, and I've got £3 in my pocket for dinner tomorrow. The next 2 weeks im going to spend my wages getting some clothes and stuff for the holiday. Nothing major, just some cheap old shit that looks good. I'll probably end up being sick down myself anyway so I dont want to waste money.

Ant and me are still gym sluts. We have been working our little arses off up there 6 days a week. I can see the change starting to happen. My man boobs are starting to firm up and turn to muscle, and I've lost 7kg in nearly 2 weeks. I'm now drinking 2 pints of water a day and I feel great. After our 2 hour work out, we go and sit in the jacuzzi for 20 minutes as a little treat for being such good boys. I just know all this hard work is going to turn to shit on holiday and i'm going to come back a fat slob.

Shitty day and strange thoughts

As it was a national holiday here in the U.K. today, our fucking arsehole boss's decided they needed us to work today. So with the right arsehole we all went in and low and behold, theres fuck all to do. They totally wasted our time, but at least I got paid £22 and hour to do nothing.

I dropped Antony off at his Dads house on the way to work today and he said that he would ring me if he wanted a lift back home. As the time wore on and he didn't call or text me, I sundenly started to realise that this was the first evening that I would'nt see him in over a month. I really felt lost amd started to miss him. He's such a big part of my life now that I was feeling sad that I didn't know when I was going to see him again. As it turned out, when I got in my car to come home, I heard a phone ringing and assumed it was one of my work mates phone, then I realised it was coming from my dashboard. Silly bollocks had left his phone in my car and was ringing it to get me to go and get him. I was instantly cheered up by talking to him and by the thought that I was going to see him. I picked him and took him home, he was very tired so he has gone to bed.

Which is something I'm about to do

Birthday Suprises!!

Yesterday Antony and me went to his Mums 50th birthday meal. She didn't know anything about it so when all the family turned up to the restaurant she started to cry. She had no idea at all that it was happening.The meal was loverly and Antony and me took the kids outside to play on the bouncy castle. Me being the biggest kid of all also ended up on the bouncy castle!!

After the meal we all went back to Antony's sisters house for some more drinks and a chat. There was a lot of them I have'nt met before but they were all loverly.

In the evening we went to see my managers band play. I ended up getting on the drums for a couple of songs, one of which i fucked right up and another which I played really well. During the evening I was approached by a guy who is in a band and is looking for a drummer. He said that they have a manager and an album coming out soon and that they want to see if they can make it professional. He's taken my number and is going to get they;re manager to ring me to arrange an audition. They play rock and metal, which to me sounds really good. I'm going to do it just to see if I can get through it!

Lets see what happens!

Back to the Gym

We went back to the gym yesterday on the hottest day off the year so far. 30f apparantly. Needless today we sweated like mad but I've lost 3 pounds in a week, so it cant be all bad.

Weve been again today which wasn't bad but it was packed. We couldn't get on machines next to each other because fat arsed woman would'nt use a machine next to one another. We went shopping, took the dogs for a walk, cleaned the car and paid a few bills. Tonight we went to Southend, which is a seaside and was full of amazingly fit lads!! To much to look at really

I'm really tired and I'm off to bed

We done it!!!

We won the europian cup last night but it wasn't easy!!. I got confused and we were actually playing A.C.Milan. They scored the first goal after 50 seconds, which was really bad, by the end of the first half we were 3 nil down. In the second half we got a goal followed by 2 others in 8 minutes. Things were looking up as we were now level again. We went into extra time looking good and managed to hold them off until we got to the penalty shoot out. We won the penaltys so we got the cup and as weve won the title 5 times we get to keep the cup for good. It was a hell of a game but I'm so glad we won it.

I've not been to the gym today, just to give my body a rest. My knees were really hurting so I thought it best to relax for the day. Yesterday we went for a swim and had a little time on the sunbed. Ive never been on one before and I loved it. I was a little worried about burning my cock though!!

Gym

We did the gym again this morning, and this time we got given a routine to do when we go up there. I'm ok on the running machine and the bikes, but the skiing machine really fucks my legs up. Jesus its hard work. Two days a week we have to go upstairs and do some weights and stuff. Some of the machines look really scary and I really did'nt know how to get in them,. let alone use them. Still, lets see how it goes, and see if I can get a bit buff before we go on holiday,

Stiff!!!

Ive taken a leaf out of NJLB's book and Antony and myself have joined the gym.We went last night for a little while and weve been this morning. Ive used muscles that I didn't know exisited!! I'm a little stiff in the arms and I'm absolutely fucked! The jacuzzi afterwards was nice though, although we went into the steam room afterwards and it made me sick. I forgot that about my lung damage and it didn't agree to it at all!! Never mind though.

Yesterday I went to watch my 10 year old nephew play in football ( soccer ) in his teams league cup final. They won again for the 3rd year on the trot. Brad was well happy and was proudly showing his trophy off to anyone that would look at it.

Speaking of soccer, Antony's team won the league cup final against Manchester United on Saturday. I hate Arsenal in but I hate Man.United even more, so I was sort of glad they won. My team ( Liverpool ) are playing P.S.V. Inhooven in the Europian champions league final on Wednesday. I'll be watching that at work If we lose Antony is going to give me so much shit..Ho hum!

I need a new job

Fasting for 15 hours on Monday wasn't a very pleasant experiance I can tell you.By the time i'd had my bloods done on Tuesday I was absoulutely hanging out for something to eat, I was ratty and very tired. I spent most of the morning eating..that was nice though.

Yesterday I went for a meeting with Lisa and she introduced me to a man that had been H.I.V. positive for 15 years. I explained to him some of the feeling's that I had been going through and he said it was normal and you get this from time to time. He also told me something that made sence to me, he said people say your suffering from it..you not..your living with it, and dealing with it. In the light of Kylie Minogue this week with breast cancer, it kind of make's me feel lucky in a way. I just have an illness that I can live with day by day with the help of tablets, Kylie and so many other people around the world that have cancer have to deal with this shit no knowing if they are going to make it through or not. Craigs mother in law had lung cancer last year, and she went through a terrible time with the chemotherapy and eventually died. So it could be worse.

Moral of the story is, we all have shit to deal with, but there is always someone else in the world who's pile of shit is alot bigger than yours!! Make the most of your life while your healthy, you only get one shot at it. 

Mad weekend again

Well here we go again another potty weekend over and done with. On Saturday Antony and myself went up to London on the train, we went to look round H.M.S. Belfast which is an old WW2 war ship that they have opened up to the public. It was really good on board there, having a look round the guns and the engine rooms and all that. We met up with Ant's friends Matt and Kelly a little after that and we went for a few drinks in Soho first, then we got a tube upto Camden and had a look round there. Its a very yound and trendy town, but it has a very gothic sort of feel to it. We sat next to the lock by the canal and had a few drinks and a chat until Matt and Kelly left us as they had to get home.

Ant and me went back into central London and carried on drinking until we had had enough and we got the train home.

On Sunday, we went for a drive in the afternoon.It was really sunny and warm. We had some breakfast in a little park near to where I work, amd there were lots of people there enjoying the sunshine. After that we carried on up the road and Antony showed me this small little village that had a stream running through it. The only way to get to this village was to drive through the steam..so I did laughing my head off as it was a little deeper than and wider than it looked.

We drove from there up into the outskirts of London and out towards Heathrow airport. We drove round the perimiter of it and found a place to park that was right under where the planes were landing. Antony was facinated as he had never seen planes fly so close.

After that we drove into Windsor, which is where the Queen lives, and so does the other queen ( Elton John ). We had a little look and took some photo's then started to make our way home. I made a little detour as I saw a sign for a place called Shepperton. There is a big film studio there that I wanted to find as it is owned by the group The Who, and it was the last place that Keith Moon played his drums with them before he died.

A little up the road from there we came across Hampton Court, which is where king Henry Eight used to live. Fucking great place it is right on the banks of the Thames.  Time was getting on so i dropped him off at home and we both went to bed.

Today we took the dogs for a walk and I had an amazingly piss boring day at work. Ive got to have a blood test in the morning and I'm not aloud to eat for 15 hours.I'm starving hungry now and its only 23.50pm. Im off to bed, but I'm going to put some pics up from the weekend.

Feeling Sloppy

For some reason I still feel very sloppy this week. I dont feel to bad today, but I think thats because its Thursday and I know Ive only got today and tommorow to work.

Yesterday had all the marking's of a really shitty day at work and I had a right little stress on before I started. Afer about an hour I was ok and the day went really well. Gary, Craig and myself had a really good laugh and we managed tomget some good telly watching time in. I seem to watch more telly at work than I do at home, but hey at least I'm getting paid to do it!

Wednesday

Ive been very tired this week for some reason. A lot has been going on and I think its catching up with me. I'm not getting any younger and burning the candles at both ends isnt doing me any good.Work has been really boring this week aswell, it just seems like I'm going through the motions because I have to and not because I want to.

I cant wait for our holiday, its only 7 weeks away. Ive got Motorhead's 30th Anniversary concert aswell on the 16th June, which I'm really looking forward to. I haven't been to a good concert to since December and it would be good to really blow the cobwebs out of my system.

Walks and Talks

Last night Antony surgested that we go for a walk just to get out, so we did. We walked and walked and walked....FOR TWO HOURS!!!. We went for miles and miles just walking and talking. Like the two big kids that we are, we stopped of in a childrens playground and played on the swings and roundabouts, damn funny it was, I haven't been on a swing for about 10 years.

He was texting me this morning when he finished work because his favorite soccer team beat mine 3-0 yesterday. I reminded him that my team were in the Champions league Europian final and his wasn't!! I'm going to se my baby tonight at work. We laugh so much and have so much fun together, I find it hard to believe that we get on so well, amd nothing feels forced between us. I love him so much!!!

Sunday Morning

I didn't do much yesterday, I just bummed about and did a few little jobs. Antony called me this morning and I went to pick him up from work and we went round to a boot fair.There was a load of old shit round there really so we didn't get anything. Ive just dropped him off so he can go to bed. I'm going to see him again later on when he's woken up. The formula 1 racing is on the telly later so i'll give that a watch.

Confusion

Its funny how it tears me apart

First it breaks your head then your heart

I should've loved you better from the start

Its chewing at my bones and my brain

Its working through the flesh that remains

Why cant this feeling leave me and just fade away?

 

From day one I lead you on

I'm sorry now but I cant stay

Things have change I'm not the same

Now I must walk the other way

 

Confusion raining down from up high

And all the time I ask myself why?

Why cant  I make decisions?

Cant make up my mind

 

Although your trying hard to forget

The reason why you feel so misled

Now come on now forgive me

I'll help you accept.

Its Alright

I'm a bit behind with all this but here goes.

 

Sunday

Antony and me took the dogs out in the morning for a long walk in the park. Its was really really warm and sunny6 and it was just great to be in the fresh air. After that, Antony took me to where he grew up and showed me round the town he lived in. We went to a huge pub that used to be an old opera house. They have basically left it very much how it was with all the original features in it.The whole of the downstairs is a bar now with seating, but all the stalls upstairs have been left untouched. The stage is still there and they have turned that into a restaraunt. Truely stunning.

After that he took me to a place called High Rocks, which is a place that you can do proper rock climbing. These rock have been around before man was on earth apparantly, and we climbed the easy wasy up and we were jumping from rock to rock and exploring.

In the evening we drove through the country back roads to Brighton and had a little walk to the fun fair that is on the end of the pier. We spent the evening in a loverly bar, Antony got drunk and I drove home. It was a wonderfull day.

 

Monday

 

Monday was a bank holiday for us here, so I didn't have to work. We went down to have lunch with Antony's Mum and Dad. They are great I love them. In the afternoon we met my mate Craig from work at the pub as his daughters boyfriend was playing in a band. They were like Blink 182 a bit, not really my sort of style but thet were really good. Antony and Craig got on really well, which I was so pleased about, we all share the same sort of humour.

We had a good drink in the sunshine, and it was a great day out. I love it and so did Antony. I love him so much!!

The Long and Winding Road

Yesterday was fantastic. It started of shitty as I could'nt find a cash point machine that worked. That meant I was late picking Antony up and late getting on with the journey. Half way to the port we hit a really bad traffic jam and I was starting to lose my temper. When we finally got to Portsmouth the sun was shining and we just about made the boat with 15 minutes to spare. The boat set sail and what happens, we get put into the English Channel and hit really bad fog!! We could'nt see a thing.

When we got there it was loverly, we drove round the island looking at the little bays that we come across and watching people surfing. The scenery was loverly, it really was a beutifull island.

We came back and took the long road home, we finally got back about mid night. It was a long day but I really loved it. Antony loved it to and it was great to spend a day with him laughing and joking.

Thursday

Im very tired tonight. Ive been really busy at work and ive been up till 3am most of this week with Antony at work, and its taken its toll on me tonight. Im going to have an early night tonight just to catch up.

This Saturday ive booked a little trip for Antony and myself to a little island off the coast of England. Its not like the carribean or anything, but its away for the day, and from what ive been told its really nice. I cant wait..hope the weather sorts its shit out!!

Pissy Tuesday

Its been pissing it down for the last 2 days, but they say its going to nice for the May day holiday weekend, so we can only hope.

I saw my loverly Antony last night and we had the best laugh ever. My jaw was aching by the time I got home frem all the joking we had done. He's been working very hard and we are looking forward to our holiday.

My little Ozzy hasn't been to well for a couple of days. I think he has eaten something and its gone through him. Well it looks like it anyway judging by the mess up the garden!!

Sleepy Sunday

Its been a good weekend, Ive not done a great deal but Ive spent loads of time with my Antony over the last couple of days. Yesterday morning I met him after his nightshift and we went into town to pay most of our holiday off. After that he went home to bed and I did some jobs and played guitar until Ant text me that he was awake so I popped to see him before work.

This morning he woke me up and we went to a boot fair ( a place where people sell there old shit out of the boot of there cars ).It was heaving there, so many people out so early in the morning. We just had a little look round and then moved on to another bootfair up the road. We brought a little picture frame that Ant saw. He wants to get a picture of us and give it to her for here birthday. Sentimental sod!

Another week over

Well another eventfull week over and done with. Its been an odd couple of days, Ozzy has been ill so ive been really worried about him, and Lee got hold of me yesterday telling me he tried to kill himself over last weekend. He said that over 3 days he was doing speed balls and taking ketamin, which apparantly is a horse tranqualiser.On top of that he drank 3 litres of vodka and had been awake for 3 days. As you can imagine I really didn't know what to say to him. I sort of managed tp pipe up with " Well that was fucking silly wasn't it" I dont think it was what he was looking for as a responce but there you go. Its certainly not going to get me to go back to him.

Apart from that, its been a fairly good week, Ive seen my Antony lots and we are going really well together. I love him....i really really love him

Great night

Its been a great night tonight. Antony and me have been to the late night pub together and have had a really good laugh. I now can feel free to go out and not have to worry if people see me and tell Lee. It feel great..I love it. I feel so positive ( excuse the pun ) at the moment.

I'm going to have a chat with a man that has been H.I.V. positive for 15 years and has felt like I have in the past. The realisation of the tablets, or tablet fatigue as they call it, he's been through it and can help me. Also I have found out from my councillor that there is a poor lad that has just been diagnosed and is in exactly the same situation that i was in last year. She would like me to talk to him if he wants to reasure him that he will be ok. That will help me aswell I think. I like to help others.

Live life to the full people!! But be fucking carefull doing it!!

And the beat goes on....

Ive been listening to a demo CD that my cousin gave me the other day, and its fucking great. Its not my style of music, it's quite mellow...kind of like Ocean Colour Scene, but one of the songs has got some great lyrics to it. It made me think about how I was feeling within my relationship with Lee towards the end. Hopefully I'll get to see them play soon.

Ive been getting better as the days go on. I'm getting used to being single again, but at least things between me and Lee are very good at the moment. I never wanted to completely dissown him, but I could'nt go on in a relationship with him anymore.

My little Antony is fine aswell, we are just seing where things go, were not putting any pressure on ourselves like we haven't done all this time. Its not long until the holiday now. I cant wait for it. I really need a holiday.

Back to the music

I had to go and rescue Antony on Friday night as he was amazingly drunk again. He passed out in the car and didn't say a word. Love him!

Yesterday I went to my uncle's house to play some music with him and my cousins. It was great fun and we played for hours. We did a load of Beatles songs and some general rock and roll stuff. My cousin Antony played us some of his songs that he's written for his band. They are sort of like Ocean Colour Scene and Oasis, but they are really good song's with some good lyrics. It makes me want to pull my finger out and get a band together to do some songs. I might start writting my own about all the stuff Ive gone through the last year. Second thought's, that could get depressing.

Looking brighter

I went out for breakfast with Antony this morning, and we had a good long chat and a laugh over a fry up in a cafe. He was in a good mood which was nice to see. He came home with me afterwards to see the dogs and have a play with them.

I went to work which was incredibly dull, but on the bright side, they think they might have come up with a solution to our problem of doing Saturday evenings. They are asking for volenteres from the weekend shift to do it. They need 12 and so far they have got 7 to do it..so hopefully tomorrow they can get a few more people.

Feeling better again

I'm feeling better as the days go on. I feel I can move on with life. Lee and me are doing ok now as friends, its seems to me like the barrier between us has come down and I can talk freely to him. We have sorted out some things about the dogs tonight, so Ive now got custody of Guss ( only gays haggle for custody of the dogs! )

Things are very slowly moving into place. I went to the hospital today and the Doctor says I'm doing ok. He's taken off my diabetic tablets as my sugar leval is now just below normal. He's going to see me in 2 months this time, which is progress. I hate having to go up there every month for a check up, its so expensive in the car park.

I'm going to bed..I'm very tired.

Cause I'm alive!

I know it sounds strange but I feel really good today. It feels like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. This is not to say that I dont feel sorry for Lee because I do, and I'm sorry for letting him down when he so obviously still loves me, but I feel I can move on now and be me. We are still talking to one another, which is good as it was never my intension to turn my back on him and just walk away, we still have seven years and an illness between us. It will be nice if we can just remain friends and help each other through the difficult patch's in the future.

Work still sucks badly, Craig and me are going to try today to get off this shitty shift, neither of us want to work Saturday evenings. He's got a family and I've now got to much socialising to do!!

The Morning After

Well its the morning after and I feel very empty and strange. Lots of emotions running through my head at the moment and I just need to sort them out. Ive spoken to Lee this morning and he sounded ok. but I didnt really know what to say to him. We had a quick chat and that was it.

I'm going to take it day by day and see how things go.

Done It

Ive done it, ive finished it with Lee. It was tough and it broke his heart but its over. We are going to stay friends and see each other because of the dogs, but that's it. Its not really much different to how we are now, we only see each other once a week for a couple of hours anyway.

This is the start of the road to sorting my head out, we'll have to see where it goes now.

Happy and very tired

I spent a wonderfull day with Antony today. We took the dogs out this morning for a long long walk in the country, which was loverly as it was a sunny day, the we went on abit of a road trip. We went up to the Midlands to a seaside place called Great Yarmouth. The weather was a bit pissy but that didnt matter. We laughed and laughed all day long and it was so great to be with someone that makes me so happy, I love him dearly and I always will till the day I die....and he knows this.

 

Pissed off!!! Majorly Pissed off!!!

Fucking work have fucked us right over. My new shift is 2-9.30 monday to friday one week, 2-9.30 monday to SATURDAY!!! the next week. Fucking lates on a saturday, thats just nasty.If I wanted to work weekends I'd have volentered for it 7 years ago. One week I get 3 days of and the next week I get one. I'm not happy...not happy at all.

A good hour out

I had an amazingly dull day at work yesterday, nobody really cares anymore so we were just dossing about.

Antony text me to see if I wanted to go for a swift jar after work. I went to pick him up and we went to a sports bar and played pool for an hour. It was great fun and we had such a laugh ( plus I won!! ) After that I dropped him off and came home to bed.

He cheered me up no end, and his smile always brightens up my day.

Redundancy...The threat is real!!

It looks from the very threatening letter that we all received from the company, that we will be shut down if we dont shut our mouths and get on with the changes. This involve shift changes and a big change in working practice's. In some ways it would be better for us if they shut it down.I'm starting to look for work now anyway, but its going to be hard to find a job that pays anywhere near what I earn.

I saw Antony last night and he cheered me up no end. He has alot going on at the moment and it seem's times are changing for both of us. I think its just a case of sit down and hold on for the ride and see where I end up.

Feeling better

Im feeling a little better today. I took the dogs for a walk with Antony this morning, and that really cheered me up. It was loverly and sunny today if a little chilly, and we had a loverly walk together through the fields.

I went to work in a good mood but work is till shitty with people not knowing what shift they are going to be stuck on. We'll have to wait and see what happens

Good God

Lisa my councillor cam to see me this morning to have a chat, but even to her I found it hard to get across what I was feeling with everything. I did in the end though, and I think she was taken back a bit by my outlook on life. We've decided to tackle one problem at a time, because I cant cope with trying to sort everything out at once. I have a plan of what needs to be done, and I just need to implement it.

Work is terrible as well at the moment. We are just about to get stiched up with new shifts, no one is telling us what shift we will be doing, we will only find that out when we get our letters. This isnt helping me at all, but never mind.

Slowly but surely I will get things sorted.

Sunday

Sad news that the Pope has died. I can just about remember him becoming leader.

I did a bit of retail therapy yesterday. I brought myself a load of music DVD's. I got 3 from The Who, one from Iron Maiden and a Black Sabbath one. So i spent last night watching them and singing and playing along.

I think today I can sit in on a gig and have a little play. That'll cheer me up, I love playing.

Saturday

It never rains but it pours!! We've been told at work that we might not have a job after September. Strangly this doesn't bother me that much..it could be a good thing. Time for a change. Ive been there 9 years anyway.

I'm getting it together with everything else. Thank you all for your kind words, it means a lot to me. I'm gradually getting things sorted.

Thought's

I wrote somethings down today that are bothering me. Someone is coming to see me on Monday about having a couple of sessions on the couch,,I think I need them

Im Angry At...........

My Mum..

 

For holding me back when I was younger

For making me feel guilty

For being affraid to stand up to her

 

My Dad

 

For leaving me when I was 14 years old and really needed him

For never coming to see me or phone me

For not even trying to have a relationship with me

For trying to deny that he knew I was even in hospital

 

At Lee

 

For leaving me when I was ill

For controlling evrthing that I did and who I saw

For always putting me down

For not understanding me

 

Myself

 

For letting myself get this illness

Letting myself be controlled

I'm scared of people thinking I'm a failure for not coping with the illness

I'm still not coping with being the " Unconventional " gay man..liking heavy metal and the such like.

I miss the brother I never had..and would have loved to death

The feeling of always being on my own...I'm there when people want me and put to one side when they dont want me.

These are just a few things that I came up with today....I think it will help to talk to someone about it and get my head sorted