Sunday, 31 October 2004

For Mr.B

You think I'd ever leave your side baby?

You know me better than that

You think I'd leave you when your down on your knees?

I would'nt do that


Oh when your cold

I'll be there to hold you tight to me

When your on the outside baby

And you cant get in

I'll show you

Your so much better than you know

When your lost

When you alone and cant get back again

I will find you, I'll bring you home


If you want to cry

I am here to dry your eyes

And i no time you'll be fine


You think I'll leave your side baby?

You know me better than that

You think I'll leave you down when your on your knees?

I would never do that

I'll do you right when you are wrong

And I'll be

By your side

Sunday morning

I really dont know whats wrong with me at the moment.I just want to be left alone and not see anyone.Ive got a lot running through my mind at the moment and Im not sure what to do.Im kind of scared I think.Big steps are going to be made and im not sure I can cope with it.I'll find a way though.

I dont feel like doing much today. Im a bit achy from the flu jab yesterday.It has some side affects to it.Cronic shitting is one of them,as feeling run down.Perhaps thats whats' wrong with me?

Saturday, 30 October 2004

I dont know

I really dont know whats the matter with me.

I think im just tired.

It feels like the world is closing in on me

 and im not sure what to do about it.

I need to get away and be me again,

to have all the dreams that i wish

Im sitting here lonely looking at the phone

hoping that it will ring

with someone there to tell me again

everything's going to be ok

Im screaming inside for someone to hear me

Im dying inside but i cant let it out

why cant you all see what is happening to me?

Why cant you see what i need?

Why wont you just let me be me?

Why do i have to conform to your dreams?

Why do you want me to change?

Im sick and tired of being sick and tired


I think i could work that into a song....

Saturday morning

Its a loverly sunny Saturday morning.Its a little chilly,but I can cope with it.I got up quite early this morning and did a few chores round the house.I picked my old lady up just after 10 to go and have our flu jabs.Im just a rest before I go and pick Mr,B up from work.We are meeting his parents I think for coffee.Its always nice to see them.

Im going to have to clean the car inside and out sometime over the weekend.It's filthy on the outside and convered in grass on the inside..bloody dogs!!

Right, things to do.........................more later!!

Friday, 29 October 2004

Friday morning

At last its Friday!!!! Ive only got to get through today then ive got 11 days holiday. YIPPPEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!

Last night we had an absolute mother of a thunderstorm. So what I hear you ask? Well, we never get thunderstorms in October, and it was cold last night. Needless to say, it was chucking it down with rain.There was loads of flooded roads about when I went home,so I had to be carefull down the country lanes.

I went to Mr.B's last night to cheer him up.He was laughting his head off when I got there so I think I done something right!! I stayed there until just before 3 this morning, wso my early night went for a right burton again. Never mind. I dont think i'll be in bed early tonight either.I cant be to late to bed, as I have to go to the doctors in the morning to have my flu jab. At least I wont get that this year.This is good, because if I do get it, it will probably kill me,and with christmas coming up and everything.

Right, ive got to pop to the town before I go to work.Im going to get the Queen live at Milton Keynes c.d.for the car.I'll be singing my head off to that on the way to work.Yesterday it was AC/DC. Fucking great driving music!!

Have a nice day yall!!!

P.S. Im getting there njlittlenightbear!! I'll teach you some of my English slang!!

Thursday, 28 October 2004

Thursday morning

Well it's a dry sunny crisp autumn morning.Its coming up a bit cloudy though.I nearly got an early night. I was going to go to bed then I just had to learn how to play The Hero by Queen on the guitar.It the opening song on the dvd, and it rocks like a bastard!! I managed to get the music from the web, and it took me about half an hour to get it right.So I went to bed at 2am....well its an hour earlier than i have been going to bed recently.

There's overtime today at work, so all the fit lads should be in again.It makes the day go a bit better. I like Thursday's anyway, I get my wage slip and we always sem to have much more fun!

Right..exercise time!!

Wednesday, 27 October 2004

Funeral Music / For Someone Special

When I'm gone,

No need to wonder if I'll ever think of you,

The same moon shines,

The same wind blows,

For both of us and time is but a paper moon

Be not gone


Though I'm gone,

It's just as though I hold the flower that touch's you,

A new life grows,

And blossom knows,

There's no one else that warms my heart as much as you,

Be not gone


Let us cling together as the years go by,

Oh my love,my love,

In the quiet of the night let our candle always burn,

Let us never lose the lesson we have learned.


Hear my song,

Still think of me the way you've come to think of me,

The nights grow long,

But dreams live on,

Just close your pretty eyes and you can be with me,

Dream on.


When I'm gone,

They'll say we were fool's

And we dont understand,

Oh be strong and trust in your heart,

We're all, your all, we're all for always,


Let us cling together as the years go by,

Oh my love, my love,

In the quiet of the night let our candle always burn,

Let us never lose the lesson we have learned.



Wednesday night.

Its raining again!! Just for a change. Nothing much happened at work today. There were a couple of fit lads in from the agency though, so it wasn't a total loss.

Mr.B is at work tonight bless him, another late night for him, so I'm going to try and have an early night for a change....Yeah I know what your all saying..." You always say that and never do!!" Well I'm going to try.

Wednesday morning

Its still a bit cold this morning, but its dry at least.I dont like Wednesday's as you've probably gathered by now.

I went to Mr.B's last night for a chat and a laugh, he gave me a baseball cap bless him.Im not going to see him now until Friday night as we are both working opposite ends of the day to one another. Tonight I'm going to see my mate Dale.He's sooooooo funny and we have a good laugh.Ive known him for about 7 or 8 years.Great Bloke!!

Im off to take the hounds out.

See you all

Tuesday, 26 October 2004

Tuesday evening

Well its fucking freezing tonight!!I think we're going to cop a frost. We put the clocks back an hour at the weekend, so we get an extra hour in bed on sunday.Saying that it will be dark by 4.30pm...very depressing!!

I went out with Mr.B this morning, we took my dogs for a walk in the fields then brought them back home.Aftera little rest we went to a burger van for some breakfast then back to his flat for a cup of tea.Im going to pick him up from work in a little while.

Work was quite fun today..maybe because I was in a fairly good mood.I was singing Led Zeppelin songs all day,which annoyed everyone else.

Fuck em! thats what I say

Monday, 25 October 2004

Its going to Happen #2

Stepping out, I'm leaving here

No use crying, crying in my beer

Enough's enough, believe its true

Bite the bullet

Im leaving you


I said goodbye, I wrote the note

But I dont remember,What I wrote

The same old words, to say we're through

Bite the bullet

Im leaving you


So thats the way, it always ends

Get sympathy, from all your friends

Seem's like nothing, nothing else to do

Bite the bullet

Im leaving you


Monday night

The Queen dvd is awesome!!! Its the Milton Keynes concert from 1982.its got brilliant sound and pictures to it.Better than the version that was on channel 4, its the whole concert aswell. Im going to get it cd at the weekend so I can play it in the car and sing my head off.

Today was ok.I got a frantic text from Mr.B because he was late and needed a lift to work. Tonight I took him shopping at a late night supermarket.They get through more shopping than I do in a week!!!

Right..check e-mails, wank then bed!!

Me and my fat mouth!!!

Well I certainly know how to drop myself in the shit dont I. I accidently let slip in a phone call the other day  that I was on holiday next week.I didnt want Lee to find out as I wanted some time to have fun. Well, after our row yesterday moning comes a phone saying he's going to change his holiday to the same week as mine. When I told him I had things planned, he threw a strop and saod " Well whatever see you later " and put the phone down. Miserable cunt!!!! Is it such a crime to want a bit of time to yourself ? I think its very much over between us, after 6 years. Its a shame, but I cant do this anymore. Ive got enough misery, I dont need anymore.

On a lighter note, I went to pick up Mr.B from work last night.He was in a really good mood, so I took him home and made some tea and soup and had a little chat.Jamie's coming down today, and im going to see them tonight when I finish work Jamie has got somethings horrible to do tomorrow. ( THINKING OF YOU BUDDY ).

Well I'm going to see if the Queen dvd has come out.I could'nt find it on Saturday.

Sunday, 24 October 2004

Its going to Happen

Dont know what I did to make you feel this way

I cant always say just what I want to say

Out of place again

Your in my face again

Throwing up the past and sling it in my face again


Put me in the frame

So even if I win I lose

Going down the slow aint the only way to go

Listen to me honey

Tell you something funny

Miss me when i'm gone

You'll be the one who sings the blues.


Seem's to me the good times ended way to soon

Seems like faded echo's in an empty room

Strangers in the light

Strangers in the night

Seem's like every word we say just makes us scratch and bite


Thought we had the answers

We were sure we couldn't lose

What you want from me is all the things that I cant be

Listen to me baby

Im beginning to go crazy

Miss me when im gone

You'll be the one who sings the blues


More I think about it

Its a goddamn shame

Opposites attract till they become the same

Daggers in our eyes

Time to say goodbye

Time to stop pretending

Time to stop the endless lies


I wish you luck babe

I hope you find your dreams and they come true

What my eyes dont see

Dont make no difference to me


Listen to me faking

Though my heart is breaking

Miss me when im gone

You'll be the one who sings the blues

Sunday morning

I woke up in a great mood, then Lee phoned me and we had a row.What an ungreatfull little bastard he can be sometimes.I get shopping for him when he's at work, little microwave meals and stuff for his lunch, and he told to get him some proper food and not the crap I brought him the week before!!. Then when I said I didnt have much money, he quetioned me as to where all my wages had gone. Its got fuck all to do with him what I do with my money. Im really badly stressed out at the minute.

On a brighter note.After 4 days its stopped raining,well for the minute anyway.So im going to take the dogs for a long walk today, it'll do them and me some good.

I took Mr.B to work yesterday.When he got there he realised he didnt start until 6 ( SILLY BARNEY!! ) so I went back and got him.I need to get some diesal anyway,so we went for a little drive in the pissing rain.I was really bored without him last night.He's been working lates a lot bless him. I was having a serious crisis with no mate's and no dollar, and the weather was shit, so I stayed in and watched Rod Stewart on the telly.Shit must have been bored!!

Ive got to take my Mum shopping in a little while, then im going to pick Mr.B up and take him to work.

Another boring day for me then!!!

P.S. Hello njlittlebear!! My new American friend.

Saturday, 23 October 2004

Saturday Morning

Well guess what? IT FUCKING RAINING AGAIN!!!!!!!!. This bastard country of ours.Shit weather all the time.It gets me out of cleaning the car though.

Ive not got much to do this weekend again.Im just going to relax as I think next weekend will be a bit hectic.Well there's not much if it's raining anyway.Ive got to pop down the town to get some battery's for my guitar foot pedal and my digital camera.I'll go to the pound shop.I might try to see if I can find the new Queen DVD today aswell.I know a shop that always sells stuff a couple of day's before its release date.

Friday, 22 October 2004

Friday and Happy

Well another piss poor day at work.I managed a 3 hour tea break in a 7 hour shift though..thats not bad even for me!! I really was dishwater dull though.There was only 7 of us after 6 o'clock. I managed to eat my way through 5 walnut whips though.I wont be telling my diabetes doctor about that though.

Lee came and stayed last night.He brought me beer!!!. Which was nice of him.We spent this morning bathing the dogs. Well..he bathed them..I was having fuck all to do with that!!

Popped down to see Mr.B at work tonight.He looked a bit miserable, mind you so would I have done.Im going to take him food shopping tomorrow.There will be lots of yes dear's going on..I just push the trolley!!! He's working everyday until next friday bless him..fuck that!!

Right..time to smack one out then Im off to bed.


Thursday, 21 October 2004

For someone special/ Cryptic writings

I call you on the telephone my voice to rough from cigarettes

I sometimes feel i should just go home

But im dealing with a memory that never forgets

I like to hear you call my name

Especially when you say yes

I got your body right now on my mind

But ive drunk myself blind to the sound of old T Rex


When I say I love you, you say you better

You better you better you bet

When I say I need you, you say you better

You better you better you better

You better bet your life

Love will cut you like a knife


I dont really mind how much you love me

A little is alright

When you say come over and spend the night

Tonight, tonight


I lay on the bed with you

We can make some book of records

My dog keeps licking your nose

And chewing up all those letters saying you better


You better love me all the time now

You better shove me back into line now


I showed up late one night with a neon light for a visa

But knowing im so eager to fight cant make letting me in anyeasier

I know ive been wearing crazy clothes

And I took pretty crappy sometimes

But my body feel so good and I still sing a razor line everytime

And when it comes to all that living

You know what im giving

Ive got it all down to a tee and its free


When I say I love you, you say you better

You better you better you bet

Pay Day

At last its pay day!!!. Well, its pay day the same time every week, but im paticulaly suffering from NO DOLLAR syndrome for a couple of weeks.Lot's of bill to pay.Mind you, my money will ne my own when im on holiday so thats ok.

Its actually not raining at the moment, it just very  very windy.Dear god did I get soaked last night!! My jacket is still wet.

Im going to do a cryptic writings and for someone special combined..because I cant catagorise it. It sort of means a bit of both.He'll understand when he reads it and have a chuckly..because some of it is very true!!!!

Wait for it



Wednesday, 20 October 2004

Wednesday evening

Well its still pissing it down, and now the wind has got right up aswell.Hurricane force apparently!! Loverly..It wants to sort itself out for my holiday.Im not going anywhere, but im going on the piss with Mr.B in London one of the days. I'll probably come back in a diabetic coma, but fuck it will be fun.

Ive just got hold of this incredimale thing. and it cant seem to get to grips that ive got 39 e-mails!! Fucking things well slow.Im going to have to get rid of it i think, its pants.

Im talking to Mr.B on msn at the moment..he is well i think. Well he's certainly taking the piss out of me tonight.

I told my mate Rob at work that I was h.i.v. positive the other week. He was really cool with it, but he has been kissing my arse something rotten since though. We have always been good mate's since he started, but this has made us even better friends.He is always asking me if im alright and feeling ok. Now..Rob is 26 and built like a brick shit house!! You dont expect any sort of softness from him as he's a right tuff nut, but he has been so nice to me...Bless him

right going for a wank then bed night all

Wednesday Morning

Its absolutely pissing it down this morning.Its very damp and horrible.Im very tight chested this morning,which is very worrying as its nearly a year agao to the day that I go ill.Im hopeing its just the damp thats doing it.Im not to bad just short of breath.

I think im clearing today at work, but I think Steve wants to swap with me as he doesn't like dropping.I'll have to see what section he's got before I decide,do want to do to much work 2 days on the trot!!!

Mr.B is at work I do believe, bless him,, bet he got soaked this morning on his way in.  love you mr.b xxxxxx 

Tuesday, 19 October 2004

Cryptic Writings #11

Get the fuck out of here

I just want to get the fuck out of here

I rage, I gaze, I hurt, I hate

I hate it all, why? why? why me?


I cannot sleep with a head like this

I wanna cry I wanna scream

I rage, I gaze, I hurt, I hate,

I want to hate it all away.

Fuck Your Enemy #1

I feel my world shake

Like an earthquake

Hard to see clear

Is it me? Is it fear?


Im madly in anger with you

Im madly in anger with you


And I want my anger to be healthy

And I want my anger just for me

And I need my anger not to control me

And I want my anger to be me

And I need to set my anger free


SET IT FREE!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday evening

Funny day today, I actually had to do some work!! Something's wrong here!! A.J, Mr.Kitkat and myself were being incredibly silly today. There was lots of mischief and name calling again, just general childishness from a load of 30 year olds!

Its not as cold tonight thank god, and im actually going to try and have an early night.Mr B.isnt on msn as he has to get up early for work..might pop down in the morning to have brekkie with him.Depends how early the dogs get me up.We are starting to arrange things to do on my holiday.We are definatly going to London on the piss for the day, then probably going down his mum's for some dinner.I love his Mum she's loverly,unlike mine..who keeps dropping me in the shit!!

I suppose at some point i'll have to see my Lee.He's coming to stay on Thursday,the first time ive seen him in well over a week.

Say's something does'nt it

Big bells are ringing!! 

For someone Special #4

Ooh you make me live

Whatever this world can give to me

It's you you're all I see

Ooo you make me live now honey

Ooo you make me live


Your the best friend that ive ever had

Ive been with you such a long time

You're my sunshine and I want you to know

That my feelings are true

I really love you

Your my best friend


Ooo ive been wandering round

But I still come back to you

In rain or shine you stood by me boy

Im happy at home

You're my best friend


You're the first one

When things turn out bad

You now i'll never be lonely

You're my only one

And I love the things

I really love the things that you do

Your my best friend



Well another Tuesday. Yesterday was quite good, very boring  after 5pm.There was hardly anyone there.Mind you, there was a new temp in that was well fit..hope he's in today.

Went round to Dale's last night to see him, them got a text from Mr.B asking me to go round, so I popped round there for a little while to see him amd J.Took Mr.B to Tesco's for some bread, he was very pissed bless him.Then when I got home I got a text from him saying that J was firing off at him.Oh deep joy!! Could have been worse..could have been me getting into an argument.

Got to go to Marky D's on the way to work to pick up another sick note for him..Lazy fucker...never catch me having time of sick ha ha ha

Monday, 18 October 2004


I had a very quiet weekend on the whole.I did'nt do a lot yesterday at all, just went shopping and took Mr.B to work.I spent most of the afternoon playing the guitar along to Rush. I played the Tom Sawyer solo spot on for once.Even the pinch harmonic!!

Im going for some breakfast and a take my vast amount of drugs for my chemicaly enharnced immune system!

Sunday, 17 October 2004


Well another wet and dull Sunday. I was quiet most of yesterday. I had an unexpected phone call from my mate Darren, who I haven't seen or spoke to for years. It was good to have a chat and catch up on some of the gossip that we've missed out on.We'll have to arrange a meet up soon for a few jolly's!!

Still on the gossip..Ive notice on my msn that Paul and Zarla now reads JUST ZARLA NOW!!!!. I wonder if they've split up? I'll text him and see if he's ok.I do hope so..he's a good mate.

Speaking of which. I saw Mr.B yesterday, he was ok and having a stress getting ready for work. He does faff bless him.Unless im just more laid back..lazy!! I dropped him into work and just spent the rest of the evening playing music loud and playing guitar.

Went to bed about 2am.Had a loverly sleep.Woke up cold and dying for a shit.

Oh happy days!!!

Saturday, 16 October 2004


Its another rainy Saturday. Yesterday was ok at work. It was quite fun.I went to Mr.B's last night to see him.He was good.We were both sat on different sofas with duvet's over us just chatting and watching t.v.It was very cosy and something I havent done for years.

Ive got a bit of shopping to do today, then im just going to veg out indoors and relax.It keeps raining, so I wont be doing much.

Friday, 15 October 2004


Well the last day of the working week and I hate them.It gets so boring after 6 o clock, theres no one there.Never mind though..i'll get through.

Spoke to Mr.B last night on msn.He was drunk again..bless him.I'll pop by and see him tonight,and get my tea while im down there.

Right..time to download something.

Thursday, 14 October 2004

Cryptic Witings #10

Its been a long year

Since you've been gone

I've been alone here

Since you've been gone

I fall to pieces, I falling

Fell to pieces,still falling


Everytime im falling down

All alone I fall to pieces


I keep a journal of memories

I'm feeling lonely cannot breathe

I fall to pieces i'm falling

Fell to pieces, still falling


All the years I tried

With more to go

Will the memories die

I'm waiting

Will I find you

Can I find you

Where I'm falling

I'm falling

Been ok

Not a bad day I suppose.Worked hard to start with then fuck all after 7.Hopefully this will happen tomorrow aswell.I hate Fridays at work.

im going to bed

Yes im up early!!

Yes up early!! Just for the pure reason that I have to go to the hospital again..this time its for me though.Just more blood tests I think and a hepatitus b jab.I need more tablets aswell..ive run out.

Oh well got to run

Wednesday, 13 October 2004


It was an ok day i suppose.Nothing really happened..apart from it pissed down a lot.Village was Village, normal usual cunty self.

Went to see Mr.B tonight, he didnt have any electric, nor any I lent him a tenner, and I brought him some beer,vodka and some fags..Arent I nice!!

Well I think so anyway


Finally got my television to work in stereo properly.It sounds a lot better now.Great with dvd's!!

Had another really good night's sleep..this is getting habit forming.As a result I feel really good this morning..though I think I  might have a cold coming..oh dear

Im off to take the dogs out!

Tuesday, 12 October 2004

Ok suppose

It was an ok day today.Craig brought his sick note round today..another 2 weeks off!! Bastard. Mr.B phoned me and asked me for a lift,which I was happy to give.It was good to see him before I went to work,He's got some shit hours this week, so I wont see him much.Bummer!! Never mind though. many things to do before bed..

Cryptic Writings #9

He came out west just to break the spell

Living six long years in the marrage from hell

Six months clean livivng sober and right

The doctor tells him everything will be alright

Yeah you just take your pills and everything will be alright

Cryptic Writing #8

You know Im a dreamer,

But my hearts of gold

I had to run away high

So I wouldn't come home low

Just when things went right

Doesn't mean there always wrong

Just take this song and you'll never be left all a long

Take me to your heart

Feel me in your bones

Just one more night and im coming on this long and winding road


Im on my way, Im on my way

Home Sweet Home


You know that Ive seen

To many romantic dreams

Up in lights falling on the silver screen

My heart is like an open book

For the whole world to read

Sometimes nothing keeps me together at the seams


Im on my way, Im on my way

Home Sweet Home

Rainy Tuesday

Its a rainy old Tuesday morning.Its quite cold aswell.I had quite a good sleep,I cant be that stressed out at the moment.Mr.B is actually doing some work today..for a change.( ha ha sorry dear )

This is coming from someone who has just had 6 months off sick, had 2 weeks holiday and is on holiday again in 2 weeks time.

Oh well..tuff job..but someone has to do it!!

Monday, 11 October 2004

OK Monday

Thankfully all went well, up the hospital today.Mr B and J dont have the same shit that ive got.I cant tell you how relieved I am.I started to cry with relief when I was told.Im well happy!! Bit of drip dick though..but thats not down to me!!

The rest of the day went quite well aswell.I had loads of laughs with Mr Twix and Mr Queersmell.We were taking the piss out of Village. This was until he said that he didn't have half a dozen porn films, he only had six!!! At that point we started to cry with laughter, and he couldn't see what was so funny and went away. It reminds me though..I said to Mr.B this morning that his bacon was a bit of fine cows arse, then realised bacon comes from a pig! What a cunt!! No.. there was no room for you to agree!!!

Right im going to bed.

Monday Monday

Ive got to go to the hospital this morning as im going to run out of tablets by the end of the week.Bollocks!!! I thought I had enough.

Mr.B and J have got there big test results this morning.I really hope all is well.Its either going to be a good day..or a really bad day!!

Hope its the first one.

Sunday, 10 October 2004

Another good one!!!

I had another bizarre day out with Mr.B and J just driving around getting lost in the countryside.It was a loverly day for a drive aswell, the sun was low in the sky.Its was a loverly clear day.It made me feel really upbeat.I had some good friends, some good music and a nice clear road to drive on..Fucking Heaven!!!

Went round to Mr.B's tonight for good chat and stuff. They were grilling me about the illness and stuff, which I dont mind at all, its good to talk. Mind you..I didn't say that when I got my last phone bill in!!

Right im off to beddybies and custard.Im really tired.

Speaking of custard..I might have to stir my own before I go to bed.

P.S Yes Mr.B.. I know you've just probably said " Sick bastard " lol


Another fantastic day yesterday.Went to Brighton ( again ) with Mr.B and his boyf and his friend.We visited my new favorite guitar shop in the country, which is always fun.The damage i could do in there is unreal. Loads of fab stuff.Jamie uttered the immortal words " But they all do the same thing dont they? " Sounds like something Lee would say.

We went back to Mr.B's after we got back for a few tipples, there was a very funny feeling going about. Im not sure why, I think we were all a bit tired. I learned that I really shouldn't take my tablets whilst drinking.I went very incoherant very quickly.

Came home..went to bed.

Got up and here I am!

Dont know what today will bring. i'll just take it as it goes.

Saturday, 9 October 2004

An Early one

Its early Saturday morning,and ive already spoken to my boy, taken the car to the garage and had a bath.Ive still got a few little things to do whilst the car is being fixed, then after that..i think its going to be pure insanity!!! Hopefully it will be a good day.


Friday, 8 October 2004

Oh happy day

Well, I had a really had a good morning yesterday.I went out for bithday coffee with Mr.B, his boyf,his Mum and sister and her kids.It was really good to see them both again.I haven't seen them for years, there both a good laugh. I t was good to see J aswell.He was being his usual queeny self in the clothes shop.He's just like my Lee. Find a top, try it on, get in the queue, then change your mind and go somewhere else.!!  YOU OWE ME ONE MR.B!!!!!!!!!

Work was ok, albeit insanily dull.I mean really dull. And I actually had to do some work.

Mr Lee came to stay last night, which was good because it meant I got an early night.And im not being rude you dirty bitch's!!!! Well that did happen though.Got  a bollocking about the telly though.Never it now.

Got to be up early to take the car to have the brakes fixed on it.£70 theiving bastards.

Right im off to work..catch you all later!!

Wednesday, 6 October 2004






Living With H.I.V.

Yes I have it, and it isnt fun at all.Someday's arent to bad,but some days it really gets you down.You think about it everyday.No matter what.Everytime you take your tablets its there.Then you get all the little ache's and pains that go with it.The worst thing is, is knowing that you've got something inside of you that IS NOT going away and IS going to kill you one day.Its scary!!

Then you have to deal with the who do you tell,and how are they going to react to it.Ive only told a very few very close friends of mine, and luckily they've all been very supportive of me.When Ive been down and needed to chat, they have been there for me.

Also.I have to live with the knowledge that I have given this to my boyfriend.Im 31 and Ive done most of my partying and stuff, but I have to live with myself,knowing ive given this to him and he's only 24 years old.

Lee Im so sorry.If Id have known it never would have happened.Things can never be the same again. Im really finding it hard to deal with it.

Im praying to god that someone else doesn't have it. I couldn't deal with the fact that Ive given the two people I love most in this world this horrible illness.I couldn't cope with that at all.

It nearly got me just after New Year.It started with pneumonia last November, then quickly turned into p.c.p, which is the most serious type of pneumonia.It very nearly turned to AIDS and killed me then.I know how rough its going to be when the end does come.Im prepaired for it at least.

When will the end come? How long is a piece of string? I have no idea. Im living on borrowed time at the moment.It could turn in 20 years time or 20 days time..I dont know.So im playing a waiting game.

I try so hard not to let it get to me, but sometimes it does.I can be laughing and joking with people but deep down inside my heart is breaking and im so sad.What have I done to myself ?..What have I done to others?

So there you have it!!

Its not fun!!!

OK I Suppose

It was an interesting day today.Craig went home sick with a bad back bless him.There was lots of little funny things going on.

Im going to do another subject matter....This one will be called " FUCK YOUR ENEMY".This will be about people who expect me to comform to stereo type and who have shit on me in the past.

Im also going to do another little story after here goes.....wait for it

Sunny day

Well, another Wednesday.I cut my hair ( or whats left of it!! ) this morning, normally thats the cue for some really cold weather.Or it did last year everytime I cut it.

I stayed up a lot later then I wanted last night.I was talking to someone who had some troubles.Bless.I dont know if I helped or not..Im not really Trisha!!

The good looking boy is at work today Yippppeeeee.

Tuesday, 5 October 2004

Funny old thing

Funny old thing this diabetes. I asked a fellow diabetic at work today if it was normal to feel like shit and have mood swings, and he said yes. Ive been really depressed one minute, then happy as larry the next.I had a rant at my boy last night, I didnt mean to ( sorry again sweety ), and I had the right ump today until Id had my dinner,then i felt fine.Craig still thinks im on blob though! I think he is aswell, he had the ump aswell,but then again so did Rob. Must be Safeway's for you then.

Right back my thrash metal.. good wholesome poof music


Gloomy Tuesday

Well another Tuesday. Hopefully today at work will be better than yesterday.I do hope so, that was really dull.Rob is into today, so I can take the piss out of him a bit, should be fun.

Im off to take the dogs for a walk.

Monday, 4 October 2004

Cryptic Writing #7

Easy when your number one

Everybody says your having fun

Smiling for the public eye

When your body says you want to die.


Funeral Music #2

Empty spaces what are we living for

Abandoned places I guess we know the score

On and on, does anybody know what we are looking for

Another hero another mindless crime

Behind the the pantomime

Hold the line does anybody want to take it anymore.


The show must go on, The show must go on

Inside my heart is breaking, my make up may be flaking

But my smile still stays on


Whatever happens,i'll leave it all to chance

Another heartache another failed romance

On and on, does anybody know what we are living for

I guess im learning, I must be warmer now

I'll soon be turning round the corner now

Outside the dawn is breaking

but inside in the dark im aching to be free


My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies

Fairytails of yesterday grow but never die

I can fly my friends


I'll face it with a grin

Im never giving in on with the show

I'll top the bill, i'll overkill

I'll have to find the will to carry on with the show

The show must go on


Tired...and Crabby

Oh dear god I feel awfull.Too many late night's and early mornings.Im in a bit of a bad mood. I dont like being like this at all.Just had a wine at my boy for no reason ( sorry dear.....forgive me! )

Its been a really pants day at work.There was hardly anyone there and it was no fun.It must be a Monday thing.Craig was in a mood aswell. We must be on blob!! going to do another Cryptic writings or Funeral music..then im off to bed



How happy am I today?. I spent a cracking afternoon and evening with my boy.It was so much fun and we laughed a lot.He always makes me smile when im down.

I got my new telly this morning.Dear god it's huge!Its no way 32"..its more like a 34".Dont care though i'm well happy.

Should'nt say this but....things are looking good at the moment.

Sunday, 3 October 2004

Cryptic Writings #6

The trash fire is warm

but nowhere safe from the storm

And i cant bear to see,

What ive let me be

So wicked and worn


So as I write to you

Whats done and to do

Maybe you'll understand

and wont cry for this man

Cos low man is due



Cryptic Writings #5

Dont want your aid

But the fist I made

For you cant hold no fear

No not from me

So please excuse me while i tell you how I feel


But now the dreams and waking screams

That ever last the night

So I build a wall

Behind i crawl and hide until its light

Can you here your baby's crying now

Funny old day

I really dont know today.I feel very bizzare.I love having good night's out, but I always feel really depressed the day after.Its really gloomy outside today and I just dont want to do anything.So I dont think I will.

Hope my boy's ok..I'll phone him later.

I think that there may be a few cryptic writing's today.

Saturday, 2 October 2004

Cryptic Writings #4

You know im born to lose

But gambling is for fool's

But thats the way I like it baby,


Cryptic Writings #3

People try to put us down

Just because we get around

The things they do look awful cold




Ive just had a fun night in Brighton with my boy.He took me to loads of pubs that ive never been to.He got very drunk ( yes you did dear!! ) and i remained very sober.He went to sleep on the way home, so I sung my head to Motorhead all the way back.Im wide awake now..ironic..but im going to bed..

Nighty night


Yay!! I got an early last.I still feel tired though.Ive got a lot to do today, and a party to go to tonight.Im really looking forward to it.Anyway, got to crack on.things to do,people to see.

Friday, 1 October 2004

Cryptic Writings #2

Im taking my ride with destiny

Willing to play my part

Living with painfull memories

But loving with all my heart


Made in heaven, Made in heaven

It was all meant to be

Written in the stars


Im having to learn to pay the price

It's turning me upside down

Waiting for possibilities

Dont see to many around


When stormy weather comes around it was made in heaven

When sunny skies break through behind the clouds

I wish it could last forever, forever


I'm playing my role in history

Looking to find my goal

Taking in all this misery

But giving with all my soul

Dear god

Ive just got home from work thank god! I know ive said it before this week..but tonight im going to have an early one.I have'nt felt this tired in ages.Its this poxy killer.

Work was ok i suppose.I didnt do a great deal of work.We had quite a good laugh though which was good.I might add another cryptic writings's in a bit

Oh no not Again

Well..the early night went for a burton!! I got talking to my boy on msn, and i finally got to bed at 3.30am.Well..its only friday, so I dont intend to do much today.

Velvet Revolver..what a great band..I must get the album.