Monday, 27 June 2005
I'm not as bad now as I was on Saturday, but the whole Lee thing is still playing on my mind. I've been with Antony and he has cheered me up somewhat. Craig at work has been great aswell, he just told me that it will be ok and to keep focused on myself and not what he's upto.
Its only 6 more days till i'm off. Antony has been making some lists of stuff that need doing, and what I need to bye. This weekend is going to be manic. There is so much to do, what with packing and stuff, and getting last minute things, i'll need this fucking holiday!!
Tonight I went along to the jam night again. The bloke in the band that I was auditioning for has turned out to be a bit of a wanker, but as luck would have it, I've caught the eye of a very talented ( and super sexy ) young guitarist. He always waits for me to turn up after work so that he can play with me ( no not like that!! ) We have very similar tastes in music so we work quite well. After we played we had a little chat and he says he is well impressed with me, so I said to him that if he ever needed a drummer, just give me a call, to which he replyed that he had been thinking about it. This is good, as he's a nice bloke aswell. I'll see what happens after my holiday
Saturday, 25 June 2005
I'm scared to move
I'm scared of standing still
I'm scared to change
I'm scared to stay the same
I'm so scared I want to die
I'm so scared of dying
I'm so scared of not being liked, not being loved
I'm scared to be alone
I'm scared of being with people
I'm scared of dissapproval
I'm scared of life
I'm so scared to lose what I've built
I'm scared of feeling of feeling scared
I'm scared of being ugly, being boring, being dull
I'm scared of my thoughts
I'm scared of being found out
I'm scared to dance
I'm scared to speak, to sing
I'm scarecd to say what I think
I'm scared to say no or yes to often
I'm scared of dissapointing
I'm scared of losing control
I'm scared of pain, of hurting, of being hurt
I'm scared this will go on till I die
I'm scared my heart will break
I'm scared of losing myself
I'm scared of finding myself
Because there might not be anyone there at all
I'm scared of the unknown future
I'm scared i'll make the wrong turn
I'm scared of the dark
I'm scared of failing
I'm scared it may all be for nothing
I'm just the pieces of the man i used to be
Too many bitter tears are raining down on me
I'm far away from home
And Ive been facing this alone for far to long
I feel like no one ever told the truth to me
About growing up and what a stuggle it would be
In my tangled state of mind
Ive been looking back to find where I went wrong
Too much love will kill you
If you cant make up your mind
Torn between the lover and the love you leave behind
Your heading for disaster cos you never read the signs
Too much love will kill you everytime
I'm just the shadow of the man I used to be
And it seems that there's no way out of this for me
I used to bring you sunshine but all I ever do is bring you down
How would it be if you were standing in my shoes
Can't you see its impossible to choose
No theres no making sense of it
Everyway I go I have to lose
Too much love will kill you
Just as sure as none at all
It'll drain the power thats in you
Make you plead and scream and crawl
And the pain will make you crazy
I'm the victim of my crime
Too much love will kill you everytime
I've come to the realisation that drinking makes me depressed. We went to Craigs daughters party last night, it was a great night but today I've felt really bad. I cant get the thought of Lee with someone else out of my head. I'm starting to question if I made the right decision. I know deep down inside that I did, but its that although I love Antony dearly, I do miss Lee. Seven years is a long time. Today has been awfull because I have felt shitty and sick all day and I've been in a crap mood. I regretably had a go at Antony over something really silly, which I appologised for, and I was supposed to go to his Dads for a BBQ and to watch the carnival. In the end I could'nt face it and just dropped him off and came home. I feel really bad about it, and I will say sorry to him when I see him again.
Will this mess ever sort itself out!!
Thursday, 23 June 2005
I gad a phone call from Lee today informing me that he has met someone else. For some reason this really jolted me. I have no right to feel like this and after all, I was the one who dumped him. I'm pleased that he has moved on with life, but it feels like i've lost him forever, even as a friend because he is moving away. In a selfish way, I wish he hadn't told me, that way what you know cant hurt you right? I've told him that I dont mind as long as he's happy and that i'll always be there if he needs me. After all, i'm plodding along with Antony.
The weather is still amazingly hot. As I write this its 23.39pm and its 21 degrees.Its too fucking hot at night.
Antony and myself are both off tomorrow. We are going to a party tomorrow night, which should be fun if its still this hot!! I'm going to put up some photo's ( sorry NJLB I know you hate them ) of Antony and of me drumming the other night.
Tuesday, 21 June 2005
Its still loverly sunny and hot at the moment.It looks set to last until the weekend, when as per normal they prodict that we will have thunder storms. Well, up in Yorkshire yesterday they had a storm that dropped a months worth of rain in 3 hours.They was flash flood and nastyness all around. I wont get flooded as i live on a hill, but I really dont want rain this weekend.
Work seems to be dragging like a club foot this week. Andy ( wanker ) Dye is on lates this week and is managing to piss just about everyone off. On a good note though, they have confirmed my new shift. As of when I come back off holiday, I will be working Tuesday to Friday 12-9.30. This gives me Saturday, Sunday and Monday off. Antony and me are going to have some long weekends away together going round the country. We were talking this morning about getting some mountain bikes and taking them with us. I can get a bike rack for the back of the car.
Oh fuck...I've got to go to work
Sunday, 19 June 2005
Its roasting today, it has been since Friday. The funny thing is, on Thursday it was cold and pissing down with rain most of the day. Typical English weather I think..unpredictable.
Motorhead were fantastic the other night.This was the 6th time i've seen them now, and everytime they have played some songs that I've never seen them do before.This time they played loads of different stuff, from really old to really new stuff including Dr.Rock which is my favorite Motorhead song.
Antony's been working this weekend so I've been going in to see him. I stayed with him until 4 this morning, just helping him out in the office. It wasn't to busy last night. I think a lot of people walked home, or went to bbq's instead of going clubbing. Today I just got up and went and sat in the garden and started to top my tan up. I pick the old lady up from work and took her shopping, then came home and went back up the garden to do more sun bathing. I'm down now, Ive gone a bit red, but ho hum....i love this weather.
2 weeks tomorrow im going away...the countdown start's here!!!!
Thursday, 16 June 2005
Today I'm taking my Mum to see Motorhead at Hammersmith Odeon for her 60th birthday present. She loves them aswell so she really wanted to go. I wanted to go as its they're 30th anniversary concert, and they say a lot of special guests are going to be there. If its as good as the 25th anniversary it should be stunning.
Yesterday Antony and me went and booked up our holiday for NEXT year. We are going on a Cruise of the Med on a fucking great posh ship. Because we booked early we managed to get it 45% cheeper than the book price, and when you consider that we paid £1230 each ( around $2500 ) you do the maths on how much it should have cost. They have got a huge cinema scren out in the open, where you can watch films while you are in the swimming pool or in the jacuzzi.There's a gym and health suite plus 24 hour eating which could be bad. On the itinery we are going to Barcelona, Monte Carlo, Pisa, Rome and Majorca, plus a couple of other places that I cant remember the names of. We keep talking about next years holiday and we have'nt even been on this one yet!! Two weeks to go..cant wait
Monday, 13 June 2005
Its beena busy weekend again. Friday night I did another rescue mission for Antony who was drunk in Maidstone again and could'nt get home. On Saturday we went down to Ramsgate on the coast top watch a powerboat racing compotition that was going on. Its was packed out down there, they also had a couple of bands playing and a funfair. We watched the racing for a little while, then decided that it was the most boring thing that we had ever seen. I t was ok to start with but it was dull, so we went to have something to eat then drove round the coast a bit more. We had a quick beer in a seafront bar then came home.
Yesterday we went to a shopping center and I brought some more clothes for the holiday. All we did in the evening was watch some films on T.V ( Mission Impossible 2..what a shit film!! )
Today I had a couple of hospitol appointments. The first one was my H.I.V clinic. Things are still really good in that department and Ive not got to go back again for another 2 months, which I'm really pleased about. The other appointment was to see the doctor about my heart. Its ok but my cholesterol is too high.Soooooooo they have put me on another tablet to get it down. My blood pressure is fine but he says that I am 7 kilos over weight.Fuck it!!!!
Tonight, Antony and myself went back to the pub again for another audition / jam night. This week it was well more relaxed and played a blinder. It was seriously loud and aggresive but fuck it was fun. Antony enjoyed it aswell. They have given me a C.D. to listen to and learn, which I shall attempt to do this week so that I can play a couple of songs next week with them.The songs are good but I want to change some of the drum fills to suit my style...should'nt be a problem.
Friday, 10 June 2005
Important lesson number 1 boys and girls. NEVER SHAVE YOUR CHEST!! I did it the other day and now that the hair is growing back, its absolute agony with the shaving rash. By fuck does it itch. Next time i'll just trim instead of totally shave. Thankfully I didn't shave my pubes to short.
Ive been looking into this band thing a bit more. They have a tour of England planned and are negotiating a tour of Europe and Japan. I'm very excited about it all but its a big step to take. Plus I dont know if I can up and leave Antony. This would be my dream job, but he is my dream partner. We still are taking things slowly and are not still officialy together, but soon I hope. If I could get him a job being my drum roadie then I would jump at the chance, doing my dream job with my dream boy.
What do I do?
Tuesday, 7 June 2005
We I went to the audition last night with Antony, who came along to support me. I was really really nervous for some reason and I nearly didn't go in, but Antony persuaded me to. Thanfully he did as I had a blast. It was a jam night and an audition at the same time, so there was a lot of other musicions there. We played a couple of heavy rock songs and I got right into the groove of it. The end result is that they were very impressed and have invited me back to a second audition. They are going to send me a c.d. so I can learn a couple of they're songs to play, just to see how I interperate them.
So all looks good
Monday, 6 June 2005
I'm having a day off from the gym today. I woke up and just could'nt face it. Ive been there for 2 hours a day for the last 3 days, so I figure that my body could do with a rest. I'm getting fitter as I can now run for 20 minutes on the running machine, which a couple of weeks ago I could never do. So I'm making progress.
Antony has been really tired so he hasn't been coming with me. He was ill at work the other night, so I stayed with him and helped him out until 3.30am. It was really busy so I did my best for him. He was still tired last night but felt ok. He really needs a good sleep.
Tonight after work I have my audition for this band. I'm a bit stressed about it for some reason. I think I'm over thinking it and winding myself up. As long as we do something I know I should be ok. It is taking at a jam night in a pub, so there will be other musicians there which makes it worse. I would prefere it to be more 1 on 1, but we'll see how it goes. Antony is already going on about me being famous and me keeping him in the lap of luxury. Typical queen!! haha
Saturday, 4 June 2005
I can see that this gym stuff is starting to pay off. The muscles on my arms are starting to get bigger and my man boobs are getting furmer, turning to muscle. Great!!! I need to look buff. I think on the weight side I'm at about 140 pounds. I still need to lose my gut though, but I've stopped drinking beer so that will help.
My little Antony is ok, he seems a lot happier these days and has cut down his drinking a lot aswell. He's on nights this weekend, so Ive got a quiet one. The weather is really shitty for June so I'm just going to stay indoors all day and do some jobs and play some music. I'll go to the gym later on this afternoon to have a little work out.
Oh well..things to do
Wednesday, 1 June 2005
I'm fucking well skint this week. Ive just about got enough diesal in my car to last untill Friday, and I've got £3 in my pocket for dinner tomorrow. The next 2 weeks im going to spend my wages getting some clothes and stuff for the holiday. Nothing major, just some cheap old shit that looks good. I'll probably end up being sick down myself anyway so I dont want to waste money.
Ant and me are still gym sluts. We have been working our little arses off up there 6 days a week. I can see the change starting to happen. My man boobs are starting to firm up and turn to muscle, and I've lost 7kg in nearly 2 weeks. I'm now drinking 2 pints of water a day and I feel great. After our 2 hour work out, we go and sit in the jacuzzi for 20 minutes as a little treat for being such good boys. I just know all this hard work is going to turn to shit on holiday and i'm going to come back a fat slob.