Thursday, 31 March 2005


I wrote somethings down today that are bothering me. Someone is coming to see me on Monday about having a couple of sessions on the couch,,I think I need them

Im Angry At...........

My Mum..


For holding me back when I was younger

For making me feel guilty

For being affraid to stand up to her


My Dad


For leaving me when I was 14 years old and really needed him

For never coming to see me or phone me

For not even trying to have a relationship with me

For trying to deny that he knew I was even in hospital


At Lee


For leaving me when I was ill

For controlling evrthing that I did and who I saw

For always putting me down

For not understanding me




For letting myself get this illness

Letting myself be controlled

I'm scared of people thinking I'm a failure for not coping with the illness

I'm still not coping with being the " Unconventional " gay man..liking heavy metal and the such like.

I miss the brother I never had..and would have loved to death

The feeling of always being on my own...I'm there when people want me and put to one side when they dont want me.

These are just a few things that I came up with today....I think it will help to talk to someone about it and get my head sorted

Wednesday, 30 March 2005

A little better

I'm feeling a little better after losing it the other night. I was still very depressed at work yesterday, but I was tired and hungover, so that might not have helped. I need a session or 2 on the couch I think just to talk about everything.

My Motorhead tickets are at the post office and I need to go and get them in a second. Its typical though. You spend a whole day cleaning and polisging the car, then the next day its chicking it down with rain so its filthy again...bastard!!

P.S. Thank you to NJLB and CUBBYCUB for your kind words. You 2 are very special to me on here, and I love you both!!!

Monday, 28 March 2005

Its hit me

Tonight its hit me, and its hit me hard. I'm having trouble copeing with this. The only thing thats keeping me alive is tablets, and that is scaring me to death..i cant sustain my own life..chemicals are doing it for me. I'm missing the love that I really want, I'm missing the brother that was aborted and that I never had and wished for. I really need him, I would have loved to have had a younger brother to care for..his name would have been Simon...and I would have loved him.

Yes I'm drunk, and yes I'm not copeing with h.i.v. Its hit me hard tonight, I'm not the fun person that everyone thinks I am. I'm not as hard as people think I dying, and Im dying inside mentally. No one understands it.

Lazy days

I didn't do a great deal yesterday, I went to see my mate in the afternoon and that was about it. I went to see Antony last night and sat with him for a few hours at work to keep him company. He seemed happy enough.

Ive not got a lot planned for today. I might hoover the car out and give it a wash and a polish.

Sunday, 27 March 2005

Easter Sunday

Ive finally got my new guitar. I got a Brian May copy and its well good, I'm dead chuffed with it!!. Its sounds like the original aswell.

I went to Brighton to get it, and the place was packed was a loverly day by the coast, cracking and sunny. After coming back from there, I took the old lady shopping then I came back and played some more guitar, then I popped to see Antony ( who had sobered up from Friday night ) and we chatted for a couple of hours before he went to work. I was very tired last night, so I dropped him off at work and came home. Had a cracking night's sleep..and I'm ready for today..what ever that will bring

Friday, 25 March 2005

Good Friday

Easter is here already, and I can remember sitting here writting my journal wishing everyone merry christmas. Time seem's to be flying very fast at the moment, and I'm caught up in this happy momentus time in my life when things seem to be going well.

I asked at work yesterday that seeing it was Good Friday, could be try and recreate the crucifiction with one of the arsehole managers as Jesus? The answer from the other managers was we are going to surgest it to him today.

Antony loved his easter egg surprise. He sent me a really loverly text yesterday afternoon, which really made me smile. I went to see him at work last night and he was in a good mood and looking happy. I think we are going out tonight..I'm not sure. I cant be out late as I've got to be at the vets at 10am tomorrow....not for me...for the dogs!!! I might see if I can have Lee put down though while I'm there!!

Thursday, 24 March 2005

Funny Thursday

Funny weather again today, its a bit wet this morning, but it looks like its starting to dry up. Yesterday was wonderfull and spring like and everyone was in a good mood.Very funny day at work.

Went to see Antony again last night, and we were both in better moods than we were on Tuesday night. We were'nt stressed ata each other...just stressed in general. I got him a big easter egg on the way home from work, and I popped it round his flat after he had gone to work so it was there when he got back.....I'm getting soppy in my old age.

Tuesday, 22 March 2005


I'm happier now. I got better as the day went on, and ive just come home and ordered some more tickets to see Motorhead in November. That will be twice this year!!!. I'm going to see Antony in a minute, so that made me even happier!!


I'm in an absolutely foul mood this morning. I have no idea why, but I'm really stressed out. I really feel like i need to punch something...Hope it pass's.

Monday, 21 March 2005


Ive got a fucking toothache, just what I fucking need. I woke up with it this morning. I'm not going to rush to the dentist as they are theiving fuckers, they really take the piss with how much they charge.

I'm going to see Antony tonight, as he text me last night and he's really not very happy with his job. He was very sad. I dont like him being sad, so I'm going to try and help him out.

I do love him.

Sunday, 20 March 2005

He's a Very Naughty Boy!!! part 2

Well, yesterday Antony decided that he was going to phone in sick. It was a loverly day again so we went down to the coast to catch some fun. Unfortunatly there was a sea mist about and it was fucking freezing!! Antony only had on a t shirt and a pair of shorts and was visible cold!! I at least had tracksuit bottoms on.

His friend Matt has just come out of the navy so Antony went out with him last night which was cool, I stayed at the flat and watched some dvd's and had a nap. I went to pick him up around mid-night, and blees him he was very drunk. He wanted to carry on though so I dropped him at the club and came home.

I need some early nights really!!

Friday, 18 March 2005

He's not the Messiah...He's a very naughty boy!!!!

That Mr.B is going to get me into allsorts of trouble. I went to see him before I went to work, and persuaded me to go sick today from work.After an hour of him bugging me I did it and called in sick. The weather was loverly today. 20 degrees and sunny, we went for a drive into the countryside to see his Mum and Dad, then to his Sisters and to his Brothers. Ive never met his older brother so it was nice to meet him.

We stopped of at a pub in a typically quant countryside village and had a pint off cold beer watch the ducks on the village pond swimming around. Antony was in such a good mood and so was I. I cant begin to say how loverly it was.

We came home and he went out to the club, i stayed behind and watched telly round his flat for a bit, I'm really tired and didnt want to go out, so he went with his younger brother.

My cheque has cleared early so I'm off tomorrow to Brighton to get my new guitar..Yippee!!!!!

Thursday, 17 March 2005

Its A Beutifull Day

Its  a beutifull day

The sun is shining

I feel good

And no ones gonna stop me now!!


That sort of sum's up how I feel today. Its funny as 2 weeks ago it was amazingly cold and snowing, and this weekend the temperature will go up to 20 degree's. No wonder we all have colds and stuff. Today its windy but its really nice and sunny again, the sun is getting warmer and there is blossom starting to grow on the trees. It makes you feel good.

Not a lot happened yesterday, apart from Craig getting majorly pissed off at work. He's to nice for his own good and wont tell the management bollocks, so he got shit on big time. Silly boy.

Mr B has still got his cold. He's very snuffly at the moment. He to had a row with someone 10 minutes after he started work. I think I was the only person who didnt get stressed yesterday. I suppose my day will be today


We cant come to America as I have a my condition and Antony has a criminal record...Your government wont let us in the country...otherwise we would have been over like a shot.

Wednesday, 16 March 2005

Still Happy

I still feel happy today. I feel good mentally and in my health. Spring is coming, its stil a little chilly today but the sun is shining and the day has a really good feel about it.

Im going to see my boy tonight at work.That'll make me smile even more when I see him. I hope his old is getting better, he was really sniffly the other day when we went out.

Tuesday, 15 March 2005

Continuation of Yesterday

This is the first day of my life

I was born right in the doorway

I went out in the rain

Everything changed they were spreading

Blankets on the beach


Yours was the first face that I saw

I think I was blind before I met you

I dont know where I am

I dont know where I've been

But I know

Where I want to go


So I thought I'd let you know

These things can take forever

I especially am slow

But I realise that I need you

And I wondered if I could come home


Remember the time I drove all night

Just to meet you in the morning

And I thought it was strange

Cause everthing changed right then

I felt I'd just woke up

And I said


This is the first day of my life

I'm glad I didnt die before I met you

But now that I know

I can go anywhere with you

And I know I'll feel happy


So if you want to be with me

With these things theres no telling

We'll just have to wait and see

But I'd rather be working for a pay check

Than trying to win the lottery

Besides this time I think its different

This time I think you'll really like me.


Monday, 14 March 2005

Life is Real

Its hard to explain how I feel today. I feel euphoric if thats the right term to use. Eveything seems to be falling into place slowly. Now things in my world move slowly, as I have this tendancy to leave everything to the last minute then have to rush to get things done, but this morning I sorted out my pasport application form  and I was just walking into town with the spring sunshine on my face thinking how lucky I am to still  be living my life, how lucky I am to have found the most wonderfull human being who makes me so happy and that I love so much, how lucky I am to have such a great family around me who care for my well being and how lucky I am to have such a great circle of friends who always look out for one another. I bitch about life as much as the next person, but on the whole, things look good at the moment.

Im looking forward to my holiday with Antony so much. We went to Brighton last night for a drive and we were just sitting in a bar talking about all the preperation for it, and what we can do while we are there. Little things like sit on the balcony late at night and talk about things into the small hours over a glass of whatever. Things like that give me a warm glow inside, and a feeling of, yeah, that'll be nice.

I think the message I'm trying to put across is, i know life can suck sometimes, and i know we all have our problems to deal with day to day, but on the whole things aren't that bad, it could be worse. You only get one shot at life and you should be happy and make the most of it. Really think about the things that you are worrying about, and wonder to it really worth getting stressed over.

At least we have little comforts like a house to live in and food on the table every night when we come home from work. There are a lot of people worse off in the world, so enjoy the life you have while you can..I certainly am!!!

Sunday, 13 March 2005

Sunday silence

Not much happened yesterday, I just went to have a look round a few shops and got some stuff. I cleaned the car as it was white and not black from all the salt that has been on the road and from all the snow and crap that we've had over the last couple of weeks.

I dont know what happening today, but I think I might be going out with Antony later.I do hope so.

Friday, 11 March 2005

Freaky Friday

I got another early morning text ( 8.50am )  from Mr.B, telling me he was down the town abd did I want to join him. I got out of bed and went to meet him, and we went round a few shops, got some appication forms for him for  new jobs. His microwave blew up so I brought him a new one. He cant cook much in his flat as he has'nt room for a cooker so he depends on the microwave and he was lost without it.I could'nt see the poor lad starve so I got him one.

Went to work after that and got amazingly bored, I think I'm going to have another early night.

Thursday, 10 March 2005

What a Day!!

What a day today has been. Mr B text me just after 7 this morning to go and pick him up on the way to the hospital as he wanted to come with me. After the hospital, we went to the gym and had a good look round, and we've decided its the one for us to use as its cheap amd not full of muscle mary's. After that we went into town and on the spur of the moment we booked our holiday up. We are going to Gran Canaria for 2 weeks. We had a little haggle over the price and the hotel we were staying in, and we've managed to get a really good deal. I'm so excited its unreal..this is the first proper holiday I've had in years.

When I got home from all that lot, the post man had been and my cheque for 2500 large had turned up. So tomorrow morning im going into town and pay that into the bank. Work was dull after that, but an absolute doddle..piece of piss day. I'm very very tired tonight so I'm off to bed...

Wednesday, 9 March 2005

So Tired!!

The dogs would'nt settle down last night and I've only had about 3 hours sleep. I'm going to have to pop some pro-plus tablets and some red bull to get me through the day. Ive got hospital at 8.30 tomorrow morning, so it'll be an early one tomorrow. Im just going to gets ome results and to see if everything is still ok, but I think i'll still be asleep in the waiting room.

I'm going to see my baby tonight after I finish work and been to Dales. He starts at mid-night, so i'll pop down for an hour to keep him company. He's looking for another job now, as he is not getting to see anyone and it is making him sad. He'll find something soon, he could charm money out of a pauper...he's got a loverly smile and when he smile's it makes me smile. Plus he's got me wrapped round his little finger, and he knows it...but I do love him...always will.................xxxxx

Tuesday, 8 March 2005

Fucking Result!!

Fucking good start of the day today. My slightly billy bullshit claim has paid out and I got a cheque for £2500 ( about $5000 ) this morning. Not a bad start to the day really if I do say so myself. There are a few things I can do now, like bye the computer off of Lee, and get my car serviced, and perhaps bye myself  a Gibson double neck guitar like Jimmy Page's. Thats my holiday paid for this year aswell.

Dear god I'm happy!!!

Monday, 7 March 2005

Here we go again!

Another Monday and week to be bored at work. The diet starts today, im starting off at 12 stone 11( i dont know what the is in pounds ) Im not looking to lose much, but I want to get down to 12 stone again, I keep getting a bollocking from my consultant for putting on to much weight. Ive got to see him on Thursday aswell.

Finally I got to watch the F1 racing on the telly yesterday without interuption,there's not much sport that i really love, but motor racing I do. I love to get a beer and sit in front of the telly for 3 hours every other weekend and watch it. It was the first race of the season, a bit dull, but with the new rules, it should be a good season.

Work today, boring and crap!!! Never mind, pays the bills

Sunday, 6 March 2005

Lazing on a Sunday afternoon!

Quiet weekend again, I did some catching up with jobs that needed to be done and I went to the town to get some things that I could'nt afford to get in the last few weeks.

Antony went to Stringfellows for a meal last night. I would've loved to have gone with him but I could'nt afford it....£8 for a salad starter!!!! Perhaps being a cheepskate but that seems a bit of a piss take if you ask me!! He's text me this morning and has said that he had a good time and remained sober. Wonders will never sease!! ( sorry darling )

Not much to do today. I got my Mum a card for mothers day and I got her one from the dogs aswell, I know I'm sad but it was a cute thing and she loved it.

In the good books for a little while then!!

Friday, 4 March 2005


It snowed very hard again this morning and it was looking very much I wasn't going into work. Antony walked over to my house ( mad bastard!! ) in the snow, and he were thinking about spending the day in the pub. Unfortunatly, the snow turned to rain and washed all the snow away so the roads were clear and I had to got to work. I was gutted!! Never mind though.

I dropped Antony off home and went to work, which was funny, as everyone was pissed off because they thought they were going to have the day off. On the way home from work tonight, Craig and me went to Toys R Us car park, which is always a good place for playing in the snow, and we done some hand brake turns and power slides in our cars. I haven't done it for years and it was great fun!!!

What a child!!!

Thursday, 3 March 2005


Total and utter chaos yesterday. It took me 2 hours to drive the normal 20 minute journey to work.The snow was horrendus and where it had rained on Tuesday night, it washed all the salt and grit away that was on the road, so all the roads got covered. The motorways were shut, the towns were grid locked with stranded cars and trucks that ha dskidded and crashed, there were no trains, no busses and the school's had all been closed. There were a load of people that could'nt get into work yesterday and we were as dead as a door post. Our fresh opperation has taken a right battering, with the delivery trucks not being able to get there. It was really scary driving hime last night,as the road were frozen and it was very slippery, but I made it back home safe.

Lets see what today brings!

Wednesday, 2 March 2005

What the fuck is going on with the weather?

Last night on the way home from work, it was absolutely hammering it down with rain, today i wake up and its snowing hard and everything is white. They said yesterday that the snow was gone for another year and that it was just going to rain. Oh well, added bonus for us. I might get the camera out and take some photo's from the top of bluebell hill. Its very hight up on the north downs, and from the top you can see 30 or 40 miles on a clear day, its a loverly place to walk the dogs.

Not much happened at work yesterday, we have some new agency temps started. One is VERY good looking, and we have a couple of Polish lads in. I was chatting to one yesterday and it was facinating to find out about his culture and stuff. We had an Afganistani work with us for a couple of years, and he was a loverly friendly lad, really really nice, and he used to join in with us and he was very excepted by all us full timers. Him and me used have some long conversations about his home land, I could'nt say his name so we used to call Dave!! Some of the foreigners weve had in though have just been rude arrogant cunts though, they've made no attempt at all to fit in with us.

Things are looking good at the moment at work. We thought we were being shut down after the take over last year, but it appears  that the site is going to get bigger and we are going to have an abatoir and everything. I dont fancy working in there though.We shall see how it goes.

Tuesday, 1 March 2005


Well Lee has just phoned me and his doctor has put him on the wonder happy pill prozac. I 'll have to see if this chills him out a bit, if it does it might be a good time to dump him. He will be so chilled out that he wont give a fuck about whats going on.

I went to Dale's last night and tried to sort out his mistake with a married woman that he's fallen in love with. She knocked him back the other day and he's taken it really bad, I believe she did some of the chasing and then at the last minute said she wasn't going to leave her husband. Anyway's, it was a big mess but now its sorted.

After that ( phew ) I went to see my dear Antony as he wanted to talk to me. He's finally finished with Jamie again, and Im now the proud owner of the keys to Mr B's top floor penthouse appartment.....well..the keys to his flat!! He looked really happy and well last night, apart from he has a cold coming on bless him. Its always nice to see him, but I always feel really bad when I come home...I miss him like mad, I hate leaving him. We have decided that we are going to join a gym and get fit. Should be fun!!

Onwards and upwards!!