I'm Scared

I'm scared to move

I'm scared of standing still

I'm scared to change

I'm scared to stay the same

I'm so scared I want to die

I'm so scared of dying

I'm so scared of not being liked, not being loved

I'm scared to be alone

I'm scared of being with people

I'm scared of dissapproval

I'm scared of life

I'm so scared to lose what I've built

I'm scared of feeling of feeling scared

I'm scared of being ugly, being boring, being dull

I'm scared of my thoughts

I'm scared of being found out

I'm scared to dance

I'm scared to speak, to sing

I'm scarecd to say what I think

I'm scared to say no or yes to often

I'm scared of dissapointing

I'm scared of losing control

I'm scared of pain, of hurting, of being hurt

I'm scared this will go on till I die

I'm scared my heart will break

I'm scared of losing myself

I'm scared of finding myself

Because there might not be anyone there at all

I'm scared of the unknown future

I'm scared i'll make the wrong turn

I'm scared of the dark

I'm scared of failing

I'm scared it may all be for nothing

 

Too Much Love Will Kill You

I'm just the pieces of the man i used to be

Too many bitter tears are raining down on me

I'm far away from home

And Ive been facing this alone for far to long

I feel like no one ever told the truth to me

About growing up and what a stuggle it would be

In my tangled state of mind

Ive been looking back to find where I went wrong

 

Too much love will kill you

If you cant make up your mind

Torn between the lover and the love you leave behind

Your heading for disaster cos you never read the signs

Too much love will kill you everytime

 

I'm just the shadow of the man I used to be

And it seems that there's no way out of this for me

I used to bring you sunshine but all I ever do is bring you down

How would it be if you were standing in my shoes

Can't you see its impossible to choose

No theres no making sense of it

Everyway I go I have to lose

 

Too much love will kill you

Just as sure as none at all

It'll drain the power thats in you

Make you plead and scream and crawl

And the pain will make you crazy

I'm the victim of my crime

Too much love will kill you everytime

No more drinking

I've come to the realisation that drinking makes me depressed. We went to Craigs daughters party last night, it was a great night but today I've felt really bad. I cant get the thought of Lee with someone else out of my head. I'm starting to question if I made the right decision. I know deep down inside that I did, but its that although I love Antony dearly, I do miss Lee. Seven years is a long time. Today has been awfull because I have felt shitty and sick all day and I've been in a crap mood. I regretably had a go at Antony over something really silly, which I appologised for, and I was supposed to go to his Dads for a BBQ  and to watch the carnival. In the end I could'nt face it and just dropped him off and came home. I feel really bad about it, and I will say sorry to him when I see him again.

Will this mess ever sort itself out!!

Some Bullshit!!

NJLB TOLD ME TO DO THIS!!!!

Me...

Please leave a one word comment that you think best describes me.

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Strange Feelings

I gad a phone call from Lee today informing me that he has met someone else. For some reason this really jolted me. I have no right to feel like this and after all, I was the one who dumped him. I'm pleased that he has moved on with life, but it feels like i've lost him forever, even as a friend because he is moving away. In a selfish way, I wish he hadn't told me, that way what you know cant hurt you right? I've told him that I dont mind  as long as he's happy and that i'll always be there if he needs me. After all, i'm plodding along with Antony.

The weather is still amazingly hot. As I write this its 23.39pm and its 21 degrees.Its too fucking hot at night.

Antony and myself are both off tomorrow. We are going to a party tomorrow night, which should be fun if its still this hot!! I'm going to put up some photo's ( sorry NJLB I know you hate them ) of Antony and of me drumming the other night.

Still Hot!!

Its still loverly sunny and hot at the moment.It looks set to last until the weekend, when as per normal they prodict that we will have thunder storms. Well, up in Yorkshire yesterday they had a storm that dropped a months worth of rain in 3 hours.They was flash flood and nastyness all around. I wont get flooded as i live on a hill, but I really dont want rain this weekend.

Work seems to be dragging like a club foot this week. Andy ( wanker ) Dye is on lates this week and is managing to piss just about everyone off. On a good note though, they have confirmed my new shift. As of when I come back off holiday, I will be working Tuesday to Friday 12-9.30. This gives me Saturday, Sunday and Monday off. Antony and me are going to have some long weekends away together going round the country. We were talking this morning about getting some mountain bikes and taking them with us. I can get a bike rack for the back of the car.

Oh fuck...I've got to go to work

Swelltering

Its roasting today, it has been since Friday. The funny thing is, on Thursday it was cold and pissing down with rain most of the day. Typical English weather I think..unpredictable.

Motorhead were fantastic the other night.This was the 6th time i've seen them now, and everytime they have played some songs that I've never seen them do before.This time they played loads of different stuff, from really old to really new stuff including Dr.Rock which is my favorite Motorhead song.

Antony's been working this weekend so I've been going in to see him. I stayed with him until 4 this morning, just helping him out in the office. It wasn't to busy last night. I think a lot of people walked home, or went to bbq's instead of going clubbing. Today I just got up and went and sat in the garden and started to top my tan up. I pick the old lady up from work and took her shopping, then came home and went back up the garden to do more sun bathing. I'm down now, Ive gone a bit red, but ho hum....i love this weather.

2 weeks tomorrow im going away...the countdown start's here!!!!