Im very tired tonight. Ive been really busy at work and ive been up till 3am most of this week with Antony at work, and its taken its toll on me tonight. Im going to have an early night tonight just to catch up.
This Saturday ive booked a little trip for Antony and myself to a little island off the coast of England. Its not like the carribean or anything, but its away for the day, and from what ive been told its really nice. I cant wait..hope the weather sorts its shit out!!
Its been pissing it down for the last 2 days, but they say its going to nice for the May day holiday weekend, so we can only hope.
I saw my loverly Antony last night and we had the best laugh ever. My jaw was aching by the time I got home frem all the joking we had done. He's been working very hard and we are looking forward to our holiday.
My little Ozzy hasn't been to well for a couple of days. I think he has eaten something and its gone through him. Well it looks like it anyway judging by the mess up the garden!!
Its been a good weekend, Ive not done a great deal but Ive spent loads of time with my Antony over the last couple of days. Yesterday morning I met him after his nightshift and we went into town to pay most of our holiday off. After that he went home to bed and I did some jobs and played guitar until Ant text me that he was awake so I popped to see him before work.
This morning he woke me up and we went to a boot fair ( a place where people sell there old shit out of the boot of there cars ).It was heaving there, so many people out so early in the morning. We just had a little look round and then moved on to another bootfair up the road. We brought a little picture frame that Ant saw. He wants to get a picture of us and give it to her for here birthday. Sentimental sod!
Well another eventfull week over and done with. Its been an odd couple of days, Ozzy has been ill so ive been really worried about him, and Lee got hold of me yesterday telling me he tried to kill himself over last weekend. He said that over 3 days he was doing speed balls and taking ketamin, which apparantly is a horse tranqualiser.On top of that he drank 3 litres of vodka and had been awake for 3 days. As you can imagine I really didn't know what to say to him. I sort of managed tp pipe up with " Well that was fucking silly wasn't it" I dont think it was what he was looking for as a responce but there you go. Its certainly not going to get me to go back to him.
Apart from that, its been a fairly good week, Ive seen my Antony lots and we are going really well together. I love him....i really really love him
Its been a great night tonight. Antony and me have been to the late night pub together and have had a really good laugh. I now can feel free to go out and not have to worry if people see me and tell Lee. It feel great..I love it. I feel so positive ( excuse the pun ) at the moment.
I'm going to have a chat with a man that has been H.I.V. positive for 15 years and has felt like I have in the past. The realisation of the tablets, or tablet fatigue as they call it, he's been through it and can help me. Also I have found out from my councillor that there is a poor lad that has just been diagnosed and is in exactly the same situation that i was in last year. She would like me to talk to him if he wants to reasure him that he will be ok. That will help me aswell I think. I like to help others.
Live life to the full people!! But be fucking carefull doing it!!
Ive been listening to a demo CD that my cousin gave me the other day, and its fucking great. Its not my style of music, it's quite mellow...kind of like Ocean Colour Scene, but one of the songs has got some great lyrics to it. It made me think about how I was feeling within my relationship with Lee towards the end. Hopefully I'll get to see them play soon.
Ive been getting better as the days go on. I'm getting used to being single again, but at least things between me and Lee are very good at the moment. I never wanted to completely dissown him, but I could'nt go on in a relationship with him anymore.
My little Antony is fine aswell, we are just seing where things go, were not putting any pressure on ourselves like we haven't done all this time. Its not long until the holiday now. I cant wait for it. I really need a holiday.
I had to go and rescue Antony on Friday night as he was amazingly drunk again. He passed out in the car and didn't say a word. Love him!
Yesterday I went to my uncle's house to play some music with him and my cousins. It was great fun and we played for hours. We did a load of Beatles songs and some general rock and roll stuff. My cousin Antony played us some of his songs that he's written for his band. They are sort of like Ocean Colour Scene and Oasis, but they are really good song's with some good lyrics. It makes me want to pull my finger out and get a band together to do some songs. I might start writting my own about all the stuff Ive gone through the last year. Second thought's, that could get depressing.
I went out for breakfast with Antony this morning, and we had a good long chat and a laugh over a fry up in a cafe. He was in a good mood which was nice to see. He came home with me afterwards to see the dogs and have a play with them.
I went to work which was incredibly dull, but on the bright side, they think they might have come up with a solution to our problem of doing Saturday evenings. They are asking for volenteres from the weekend shift to do it. They need 12 and so far they have got 7 to do it..so hopefully tomorrow they can get a few more people.
I'm feeling better as the days go on. I feel I can move on with life. Lee and me are doing ok now as friends, its seems to me like the barrier between us has come down and I can talk freely to him. We have sorted out some things about the dogs tonight, so Ive now got custody of Guss ( only gays haggle for custody of the dogs! )
Things are very slowly moving into place. I went to the hospital today and the Doctor says I'm doing ok. He's taken off my diabetic tablets as my sugar leval is now just below normal. He's going to see me in 2 months this time, which is progress. I hate having to go up there every month for a check up, its so expensive in the car park.
I'm going to bed..I'm very tired.
I know it sounds strange but I feel really good today. It feels like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. This is not to say that I dont feel sorry for Lee because I do, and I'm sorry for letting him down when he so obviously still loves me, but I feel I can move on now and be me. We are still talking to one another, which is good as it was never my intension to turn my back on him and just walk away, we still have seven years and an illness between us. It will be nice if we can just remain friends and help each other through the difficult patch's in the future.
Work still sucks badly, Craig and me are going to try today to get off this shitty shift, neither of us want to work Saturday evenings. He's got a family and I've now got to much socialising to do!!
Well its the morning after and I feel very empty and strange. Lots of emotions running through my head at the moment and I just need to sort them out. Ive spoken to Lee this morning and he sounded ok. but I didnt really know what to say to him. We had a quick chat and that was it.
I'm going to take it day by day and see how things go.
Ive done it, ive finished it with Lee. It was tough and it broke his heart but its over. We are going to stay friends and see each other because of the dogs, but that's it. Its not really much different to how we are now, we only see each other once a week for a couple of hours anyway.
This is the start of the road to sorting my head out, we'll have to see where it goes now.
I spent a wonderfull day with Antony today. We took the dogs out this morning for a long long walk in the country, which was loverly as it was a sunny day, the we went on abit of a road trip. We went up to the Midlands to a seaside place called Great Yarmouth. The weather was a bit pissy but that didnt matter. We laughed and laughed all day long and it was so great to be with someone that makes me so happy, I love him dearly and I always will till the day I die....and he knows this.
I had an amazingly dull day at work yesterday, nobody really cares anymore so we were just dossing about.
Antony text me to see if I wanted to go for a swift jar after work. I went to pick him up and we went to a sports bar and played pool for an hour. It was great fun and we had such a laugh ( plus I won!! ) After that I dropped him off and came home to bed.
He cheered me up no end, and his smile always brightens up my day.
It looks from the very threatening letter that we all received from the company, that we will be shut down if we dont shut our mouths and get on with the changes. This involve shift changes and a big change in working practice's. In some ways it would be better for us if they shut it down.I'm starting to look for work now anyway, but its going to be hard to find a job that pays anywhere near what I earn.
I saw Antony last night and he cheered me up no end. He has alot going on at the moment and it seem's times are changing for both of us. I think its just a case of sit down and hold on for the ride and see where I end up.
Im feeling a little better today. I took the dogs for a walk with Antony this morning, and that really cheered me up. It was loverly and sunny today if a little chilly, and we had a loverly walk together through the fields.
I went to work in a good mood but work is till shitty with people not knowing what shift they are going to be stuck on. We'll have to wait and see what happens
Lisa my councillor cam to see me this morning to have a chat, but even to her I found it hard to get across what I was feeling with everything. I did in the end though, and I think she was taken back a bit by my outlook on life. We've decided to tackle one problem at a time, because I cant cope with trying to sort everything out at once. I have a plan of what needs to be done, and I just need to implement it.
Work is terrible as well at the moment. We are just about to get stiched up with new shifts, no one is telling us what shift we will be doing, we will only find that out when we get our letters. This isnt helping me at all, but never mind.
Slowly but surely I will get things sorted.
Sad news that the Pope has died. I can just about remember him becoming leader.
I did a bit of retail therapy yesterday. I brought myself a load of music DVD's. I got 3 from The Who, one from Iron Maiden and a Black Sabbath one. So i spent last night watching them and singing and playing along.
I think today I can sit in on a gig and have a little play. That'll cheer me up, I love playing.
It never rains but it pours!! We've been told at work that we might not have a job after September. Strangly this doesn't bother me that much..it could be a good thing. Time for a change. Ive been there 9 years anyway.
I'm getting it together with everything else. Thank you all for your kind words, it means a lot to me. I'm gradually getting things sorted.
